Perspective

I haven't posted in a while.  But with the recent Occupy America uproar I thought I'd post this here to remind us that while America isn't a perfect nation we are a blessed one.  My husband and many others have fought for our freedom.  Even a homeless man or an orphan here can rise above their circumstances to make a better life for themselves.  Things might seem hopeless, and I understand that.  I've been there.  But we must remember how blessed we are and be thankful for the life we were born into.  Thousands sell all they have and risk their lives to come to America every day.  No matter who you are or what your situation is, you are richer than the majority of the world.

The Next Chapter

Thanksgiving weekend was a long one with Husband.  Even though I was deeply wounded I decided not to harbor bitterness toward him.  I decided to make the best of the weekend for the sake of the children.  Thursday went well enough.  He spent most the day with my brother and I spent most the day with my sister-in-law.  We had a great Thanksgiving.  We went out for Black Friday shopping together.  The only way we really could afford to get the things we wanted for our kids and nephews.  Unlike years prior, we didn't have to beat the mad rush of crazed Walmart shoppers.  We started with ToysRus, so instead of the adrenaline pumping action we braved 2 hours of bone chilling weather as we stood outside in line to get in.    He didn't bring a jacket so he left to the VA to get it.  He tried to get me to go back to the car to warm up but I was being stubborn.  I don't know exactly why I refused.  I think I just didn't want to take an act of kindness from him.  Maybe I wanted him to see me physically suffering like I was suffering emotionally.  I was completely soaked through in the freezing rain.  He began to block the wind for me using himself as a barrier to protect me.  He's so good at that...always protecting me physically, always defending me from other people's attacks.  In short, we had a great time that night.  We left at 9:30pm and got home around 6am.  We laughed, we shopped, we were great friends.  

I began to think that perhaps if we just become friends that we could still salvage this marriage.  Not in the conventional sense of marriage...but perhaps just be friends who raise their kids together.  It certainly would be a lot better for the kids than not having their daddy around.  If we could take the pressures of love and a marital relationship out of the picture we'd be great friends.   I saw a slight glimmer of hope.  Because if we could become good friends, then perhaps we could fall in love once more.  

Saturday afternoon was the first time he tried to kiss me after Wednesday night's incident.  And I say incident even though we never even fought.  I said no word about what didn't happen or how I felt.  I'm sure he knew I was upset with him, but then who knows really.  He certainly was treating me with kids gloves.  When I refused to kiss him he asked what was going on.  I simply said, "You didn't do your homework."  He insisted he did.  I pointed out that it does not really count when he does it after I fall asleep.  He said he felt trapped after I asked him about it.  I certainly don't understand how he would feel that way, but he's entitled to feel that way.  Even so, it's not a good enough excuse for me.  I'm not obliged to wait for him to feel ready when I am bone tired and can barely keep my eyes open.  He asked if I was saying that he missed his chance.  I said I was saying how can I commit to six months of marital counseling when he couldn't do the homework from a therapist he trusts?  How could I open myself up for hurt yet again not knowing if he'd even try to make it work.  He said that he better get to see his kids every day and at least be able to talk to me.  And he ran out of the room.  I cried.  I felt that he was saying that he was done as well and it meant that he didn't truly love me like I feared.  However the last bit stood out to me like a beacon in the night, "I want to at least be able to talk to you."  He said it with so much pain in his eyes.  Does he really love me?  Is he pushing me away because he's afraid of hurting me again?  He came back in the room.  I said, "I just want to know that you will put everything you have into making this marriage work."  He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "When is the last time I've been so open with you?  I'll put everything into this."  I simply said "ok".  He said he didn't want to keep hurting me and wasn't going to ask me to stay so that he could.  And that he wouldn't keep me in a marriage I didn't want to be in.  I said that all I wanted was to know he was doing his best.  

The rest of the night went well, we fell asleep holding each other.  Sunday went well, after church we cuddled on the couch once we put the kids to bed.  He left early so he could get his homework done for his therapist.  It was hard for the kids and I to have him for so long and see him leave again.  Our youngest wakes up every morning calling for his daddy.  He looks for Daddy wherever we go.  He doesn't understand.  They've done so well these past eight weeks.  Now they desperately need him home.  I need him home.  Husband's therapist contacted a marital counselor at the VA and our first appointment is in two weeks.  I'm doing everything I possibly can to set us up for success.  If this marriage fails no one will be able to say it was my fault or that I could have done more.  My next post will list some of the things I'm doing to help my husband succeed in every way possible.  But for now I have to work on those things.  I am hopeful.  I still believe in my husband, whether he believes in himself or not.

Completely Open

I am going to be completely open on this post.  This is because I need to be.  I need an outlet for my emotions and frustrations.  Husband comes home next Friday, I mean for good.  He's out of the program.  And while his therapist is optimistic and sees significant progress, I don't.  I mean, yes he is using his coping skills more.  And yes, he is learning to control his anger in certain situations.  And yes, he is learning to become more independent.  His treatment of me as his wife has only gotten worse.  He is less respectful of me.  He is less kind to me.  He bullies me more and more.  I am not the type to take bullying so it ends up in a huge explosive fight.  I am becoming someone I do not like.  If you ask any of my friends they'd say I was one of the kindest and sweetest people.  I don't say that to boast.  I say it because I hate to know that I have hurt someone, even if it was not my intention.  It makes me lose sleep.  Some nights I lie awake thinking about how I hurt someone 10 years ago unintentionally.

We had a 2 hour session with his therapist yesterday.  We had gotten into an argument on the way.  We also had a huge fight a couple days before that wasn't really resolved.  I didn't want to go.  I wanted to be done.  But I went.  I wanted to do whatever I could to make it work.  So I went.  I became on the verge of tears while in there and the therapist asked why the tears.  I broke down and said because I wanted to be done--completely done.  She said she didn't believe me and thought I was just upset and angry.  I think by the end of the session she believed me.  I hoped my husband did.  I told her I was done with the bullying and the disrespect.  I could handle everything else.  I could understand everything else.  But his treatment of me was crossing the line.  He doesn't treat anyone else like that, why does he treat me like that?  And yes, I know, he treats me like that because he feels I'm safe...that I won't leave him.  What he doesn't get is that I will leave him.  Or maybe he does get it.  Maybe he is trying to get me to leave him so he can say "See!  The world is against me!"  Or maybe his biggest fear is that I'll leave him and he's self defeating.  I don't know.  What I do know is that I can't even say for sure if he loves me or if he just thinks he really needs me.  I used to be able to say without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me with all his heart.  But I also never thought he'd treat me the way he is now.

He has always been mean to me at times.  However it's usually been more passive aggressive.  Now he's just aggressive and overtly mean.  Don't get me wrong, I have my faults too.  I know I do.  I saw a therapist for nearly a year with a big ol' spotlight right on my every weakness and issue and fault.  I work hard on overcoming those issues.  I understand what my husband is going through with his PTSD and TBI.  I understand it makes it hard for him to respond to me or to keep from an angry outburst.  I overlook the murderous glares even though they hurt me, I try to remember it's not him, it's not how he really feels.  However, he never tries to understand that I am a single mother with children who always seem to be getting sick.  I have responsibilities and jobs to do outside the house.  I am physically exhausted and mentally scattered all day every day because of some kind of health issue the dr's have yet to determine.  I try hard to keep the house organized and clean.  I try hard to get places on time with him.  And just like there are things I do to help him succeed despite his weaknesses, there are things he can do to help me succeed.  Such as help me get the kids ready, help me keep track of the time instead of waiting for me to fail so he can be angry with me, help me clean the house, even just pick up his socks.  But I get no grace from him.  My issues are my issues and his issues are my issues.  And yet, even that I can try to overlook.  Even that I know we could fix and get past with counseling.

So I agreed to commit to 6 months of marital counseling.  She asked me to think about it and tell her on Monday.  But I had decided that I would.  If he was willing, if he wanted to make things work, then of course I would.  She gave him a "prescription" homework I guess.  It was to do something intimate for me but we could not have sex.  Give me a massage or draw me a bath, just something.  He said he was glad to do so and of course I'm all for that.  To be honest, my sex drive has plummeted because of the health issues I'm dealing with.  He said I keep dates of when we last had sex.  Which isn't true.  It's hard to forget when you last had sex when you have it infrequently.  And even then I have a hard time remembering exactly when because my concept of time is a bit skewed--meaning I really have very little concept of passing time, maybe it's part of the ADHD

I understand this is sounding like a rant.   And you're right, it is.  I'm venting.  I need to or I'll explode into a mess of emotions and today I cannot afford to.  It's Thanksgiving.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I thank God for my husband.  I thank God for my children.  I thank God for blessing me financially and physically even if we struggle and even if I don't feel myself.  But you know what?  I still can pay the bills.  I still can feed my children.  I can still clothe them and put shoes on their feet.  I can still afford to get them gifts for Christmas.  This is much more than 90% of the world.  And even though my marriage is not what it should be, we had great times and good memories and two wonderful children to show for it.  I tried my best.  I did what I could.  But it wasn't enough.  I was never enough.

So this brings be to the whole point of this post because it might very well be my last.  I don't even have any readers, so I'm not afraid of disappointing anyone.  I was just hoping I could help someone out there like me dealing with their spouse's PTSD.  I hope they have better luck than I have.  I mentioned that his therapist prescribed a simple task, homework.  He's never had an issue getting his homework done for her before and she really stretched him and pushed him.  I didn't think this was a stretch.  Simply give me a massage, hold me, something.  He refused to do it.  He left out of there gung ho to help me get the house ready for tomorrow since it was a disaster because the baby and I were completely sick.  But really it was probably an hour, maybe an hour and a half worth of work.  I could have gotten it all done on my own in two hours.  I know, I have.  I asked him to simply pick up the toys off the floor in the toy room.  Would have taken me half an hour to do, I know because I've done it.  Not organize, just dump them into the toy boxes and onto the shelves.  The room would be destroyed again anyway.  I said we could get the rest of the house in the morning.  We went upstairs and I was in bed around 9:30pm.  I even put off prepping the food so that I could get to bed as early as possible trying to set him up for success in this one small task.  I said good night to my friend I had been texting.  And I waited.  He laid in bed watching videos on his phone.  I waited.  He watched.  I waited.  I waited.  I waited.  I struggled with the thought of reminding him or not.  I decided to remind him, to take that excuse off the table...even though it wasn't likely he had forgotten any of his other assignments from his therapist.  I said I was going to bed soon and was he planning on doing his homework.  He said, "later".  I said I was going to bed now.  I fell asleep.  He did not do it.  He refused to do it.  One simple thing from a therapist he respects and trusts.  He did not do it.

I cannot commit six months of therapy with a therapist he doesn't know and doesn't trust when he refused to do what the therapist he does adore and trust asked him to do for me.  He does not want this marriage to work.  As much as he spouts my praises when I'm not there, as much as he says he adores me and can't think of having a better wife than me.  He doesn't truly believe it.  I can never do right.  I can never do enough.  All I hear is grumbles and complains under his breath, to my face, behind my back.  All I get is disrespect and intimidation.  He wants to be a martyr.  He thinks the world is against him.  It should be us against the world, but apparently I am the world to him.  He cannot love and hate me at the same time.  And he does hate me.  I can see it.  The hate seething from the glares, from his words, from his actions.  I cannot be married to a man who hates me.  And so, I have made my choice.  And yet, I still have a "but" in there.  Because I cannot completely give up on him.  I love him.  I have emotionally checked out of this marriage.  I have to.  I cannot survive anymore hurt without continuing to change into the person I hate to be.  But if...If he can truly prove to me I am his highest priority second only to God...only then will I check back in.  And even then so very very cautiously.  I hate that I am even leaving the door open.  I feel like a weak woman.  One of those women you think, "why is she being so stupid always going back to him?"  Well, it's because I love him.  I see his potential.  It's what made me fall so deeply in love with him...his potential.  The man he is destined to be is locked away in there behind his fears of letting go and letting God take control of his life.  I saw it the very day I met him.  I saw it as if it were stamped on his head "destined for greatness".  I wanted to be the one to help him unlock it.  To be the one at his side as together we changed the world doing God's work.  I still believe in him.  I still believe he can do such great and wonderful things.  Just like the wife who says "I always knew he'd become President" or the wife of Billy Graham who could say "I always knew he'd do such great things for God."  Not in some grandiose scheme to become rich and famous.  I could do that on my own if I truly wanted.  But because I truly believed in my husband.

And yet I can't help him.  I can't do anything for him.  He's pushed me away.  He's checked out.  More than checked out.  He's sabotaging our marriage and I no longer have the means to fight back...the will to fight back.  I cannot go on.  There are days when I struggle with the urge to hate him, to truly hate him.  I have never ever felt hate toward anyone even though I have had every right to hate certain people in my life.  And yet I struggle with it with the man I love so much.  The one that should be there for me through thick and thin.  I never ever thought I was capable of hating at all.  Hate is so unnatural for me.  And yet it surges in my heart, blackens the world around me, prods me to lash out on my children.  I hate the person I am becoming.  I refuse to be that person anymore.  I don't even know how he can prove to me that I now come first in his life.  I don't even know if it's possible.  But I can't wait for it to happen.

Dealing With The VA

is a pain in the butt!  We've been trying to get Husband's rating for PTSD raised to 70% and get 100% total disability.  However, it's been an impossible task.  We have friends who have less severe PTSD who are rated higher than Husband.  It is quite frustrating.  However, persistence and documentation is key.  We'll keep submitting the paperwork until we get an answer we're hoping for.  We just might make a call to the senator soon as well.  I'm praying something goes through soon.  Husband can't go back to work and he can't stay home with the kids.  And it's important to both of us that the kids not be in daycare right now.  I do have faith something will come through soon!

Veteran's Day

"Happy Veterans Day" is an odd phrase to me.  How is it happy exactly?  Maybe my view of it is tainted, twisted in a way.  Yes, I have fond memories of our time in the military.  However, when I think of Veterans Day I think of the sacrifices veterans have made throughout the decades.  Today Husband and I took the kids to a restaurant to capitalize on the free meal for veterans.  I saw veterans young and old.  Fresh active duty soldiers to WWII era marines.  Many were Vietnam veterans, some were wearing OIF/OEF garb.  The place was packed with veterans and my heart went out to them all...especially the veteran sitting across from me at my table.  He seemed a stranger to me tonight...it's been a trend lately.  I had warring feelings of empathy and resentment.  On Veterans Day everyone remembers the veterans...but what about their families?

War has torn families apart for generations of veterans.  Many combat veterans come back from war and shut down or push their families away, or worse.  The families of these combat veterans understand what it is to live with PTSD, even if they don't realize that's what it is.  Sadly, the friends and family of these military families just don't seem to understand what is going on and they leave the picture as well.  Spouses are unaware of what is making their combat veterans dramatically different, and many leave.  Some are aware and decide they cannot deal with it and they leave.  Some want desperately to help their spouse but their veteran just will not accept help.  So they leave or stay in an abusive or otherwise unhealthy marriage as their veteran's condition continues to worsen.  Others seem to understand their spouse and do everything in their power to make things work, in a healthy way.  Their lives are not easy ones.  No one understands their decisions.  No one understands their spouse.  Very few people truly understand PTSD and how it affects those suffering from it.  The second half of this post is dedicated to helping explain how PTSD affects combat veterans.  Perhaps someone suffering from PTSD will stumble upon this and forward it to their family and close friends.  Or maybe a family member will find this and begin to understand their combat veteran just that much more.  But the true reason of this post is that as desperately as I want my own family and friends to understand, I know there are spouses out there who want it as bad as I do.  Perhaps my own loved ones will never understand, but I hope yours will.  

Unfortunately, some symptoms are harder to pin down as PTSD. Some are harder to accept than others because we wonder how they even have to do with PTSD.  We might be tempted to say it's an excuse or question the validity.  However, PTSD affects every area of one's life.  In minor cases the symptoms are easily handled and hidden.  Other cases are more severe and are more visible to those around them.  Impulsiveness, illogical speech or ideas, seemingly immature behavior are all symptoms of PTSD that are hard for those around you to understand.  Husband is going through intensive therapy.  He has to relive everything he goes over and over again.  He has to face his fears and participate in every triggering activity that he's been avoiding.  To others it might seem like there is no progress or it is simply making things worse.  However, it has to get worse before it can get better.  He's become more impulsive, more distant, he seems as if he's "checked out" of our marriage.  Sadly, even the children are beginning to notice that even when Daddy's home he's not always here.  He throws himself into projects as soon as he's home, limiting quality time with us.  It hurts.  It's hard to accept.  I want to throw him out of the house and tell him not to come back until he is more vested into this family.  But I can't.  I should show him love when instead I give him the cold shoulder.  I should be more supportive, but I fail too.  It's hard to not take it personally.  It's hard to ignore the immaturity and impulsive behavior.  It's hard to not worry about how others are perceiving his recent behavior and "FTW" attitude, and his increased avoidance of church which really boils down to distancing himself from God.  

I am learning to put my hope in God.  To trust Him to do it all.  I cannot help my husband.  I cannot force him to trust me.  But I can trust God to do the work.  I can trust Him to heal Husband's heart and mind and his relationships.  I love my husband so much.  And yes, I am deeply hurting.  I believe I am a strong woman.  I know people perceive I am stronger than I feel.  However, right now, all I want to do is cry.  I want someone in my corner who I can lean on and simply bawl my eyes out.  Someone who understands the pain I feel--my own pain and my husband's.  Fortunately, I have God.  And I know He understands better than anyone ever could.

Explaining PTSD

Mary's Gorilla Theory -- a fun yet profound allegory

Being diagnosed with PTSD is a bit like getting home to find there's a gorilla in your house. You contact the approved authorities, but they tell you, what you have here is a gorilla and there's not much we can do about that.

The gorilla in your house will cause problems in every part of your life. Your spouse may decide he/she can't deal with the gorilla and leave. Your boss may get upset that you've brought your gorilla to work with you and it's disrupting your work mates who don't know how to deal with gorillas. you're arriving for work wearing a suit the gorilla has slept on. Some days you don't turn up at all because the gorilla has barricaded you in the bathroom or sit on you so you can't get out of bed. Your friends will get cheesed off because they don't want to come to your house for fear of the gorilla, and the gorilla won't always let you out - your only topic of conversation is this darned gorilla and the devastation it's causing.
There are three major approaches to the gorilla in your house.

One is to ignore it and hope it will go away. This is unlikely to work. A 300 pound gorilla will sleep where he likes, and if that's on top of you, it WILL have an effect on you.
Another is to try and force the gorilla out, wrestling with it constantly, spending all your time fighting it. This often is a losing battle. Some choose to give all their money to to people who will come and wave crystals at the gorilla, from a safe distance of course. This doesn't work either.
I have known people spend the best years of their lives and tens of thousands of pounds/dollars trying to force the gorilla to go away. The gorilla might go for a while but will wander back into their house.

The third way to deal with the gorilla in your house is to accept it, tame it and make it part of your life. Figure out a way to calm your gorilla down. Teach it how to sit still until you are able to take it places with you without it making a scene. Negotiate with your boss about ways to accommodate, or even make use of your gorilla. Meet other people who live with gorillas and enjoy having something in common, and share gorilla taming tips.

People get really upset and suggest you enjoy having a gorilla around because of the attention it gets you (while ignoring the massive pile of steaming gorilla turds in your bedroom every day and night). The best way to deal with these people is to smile and remind yourself that one day they too could have a gorilla in their house.

From National Center of PTSD

How Does PTSD Develop?

All people with PTSD have lived through a traumatic event that caused them to fear for their lives, see horrible things, and feel helpless. Strong emotions caused by the event create changes in the brain that may result in PTSD.

Most people who go through a traumatic event have some symptoms at the beginning. Yet only some will develop PTSD. It isn't clear why some people develop PTSD and others don't. How likely you are to get PTSD depends on many things:

• How intense the trauma was or how long it lasted
• If you lost someone you were close to or were hurt
• How close you were to the event
• How strong your reaction was
• How much you felt in control of events
• How much help and support you got after the event

Many people who develop PTSD get better at some time. But about 1 out of 3 people with PTSD may continue to have some symptoms. Even if you continue to have symptoms, treatment can help you cope. Your symptoms don't have to interfere with your everyday activities, work, and relationships.

Symptoms of PTSD can be terrifying. They may disrupt your life and make it hard to continue with your daily activities. It may be hard just to get through the day.

PTSD symptoms usually start soon after the traumatic event, but they may not happen until months or years later. They also may come and go over many years. If the symptoms last longer than 4 weeks, cause you great distress, or interfere with your work or home life, you probably have PTSD.

There are four types of PTSD symptoms:

1. Reliving the event (also called re-experiencing symptoms):
Bad memories of the traumatic event can come back at any time. You may feel the same fear and horror you did when the event took place. You may have nightmares. You even may feel like you're going through the event again. This is called a flashback. Sometimes there is a trigger -- a sound or sight that causes you to relive the event. Triggers might include:
• Hearing a car backfire, which can bring back memories of gunfire and war for a combat Veteran.
• Seeing a car accident, which can remind a crash survivor of his or her own accident.
• Seeing a news report of a sexual assault, which may bring back memories of assault for a woman who was raped.
2. Avoiding situations that remind you of the event:
You may try to avoid situations or people that trigger memories of the traumatic event. You may even avoid talking or thinking about the event. For example: [examples modified to fit combat ptsd]
• May avoid watching television shows or movies in which there war themes or violence.
• Military personnel who were attacked in urban areas on foot patrol or convoys might avoid crowded areas or heavy traffic.
• Some people may keep very busy or avoid seeking help. This keeps them from having to think or talk about the event.  
• Those very close to combat with casualties or in Aid Stations/hospitals may avoid handling raw meat or blood.  The very smell of blood can be a strong trigger.


3. Feeling numb:
You may find it hard to express your feelings. This is another way to avoid memories.
• You may not have positive or loving feelings toward other people and may stay away from relationships.  [This is particularly hard for spouses and children to cope with]
• You may not be interested in activities you used to enjoy.
• You may not be able to remember parts of the traumatic event or not be able to talk about them.


4. Feeling keyed up (also called hyperarousal):
You may be jittery, or always alert and on the lookout for danger. This is known as hyperarousal. It can cause you to:
• Suddenly become angry or irritable
• Have a hard time sleeping.
• Have trouble concentrating.
• Fear for your safety and always feel on guard.
• Be very startled when something surprises you.

What are other common problems?

People with PTSD may also have other problems. These include:  

• Drinking or drug problems.
• Feelings of hopelessness, shame, or despair.
• Employment problems.
• Relationships problems including divorce and violence.
• Physical symptoms.

From The Sidran Institute

MYTH: People should be able to move on with their lives after a traumatic event. Those who can't cope are weak.

FACT: Many people who experience an extremely traumatic event go through an adjustment period following the exposure. Most of these people are able to return to leading a normal life. However, the stress caused by trauma can affect all aspects of a person's life including mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Research suggests that prolonged trauma may disrupt and alter brain chemistry. For some people, a traumatic event changes their views about themselves and the world around them. This may lead to the development of PTSD.

Priorities

I am in a discipleship class at my church.  My pastor teaches it and it is geared toward those wanting to be in ministry some day.  The other day we talked about priorities.  And my pastor said something very interesting that I really hadn't thought of.  He said that priorities are just ideals until you put them into action.  It's great to say "My family is my priority" or "God is my first priority" or whatever your priority is, however, what are you doing to make that happen?  I got a little choked up when talking about my priorities.  Of course God is my first priority and though I do have a hard time keeping it that way, I try to talk with Him throughout the day and before I go to bed.  I try to read the Bible every day and teach my children Bible verses and stories in the Bible.  However, since this lesson was on family I explained my priority of always supporting my husband.  Everyone in the room knows that my husband is in a therapy program.  When my pastor asked me how I was keeping that a priority I said that I have to support him no matter what.  Even if it means my family will be angry with me or if I have to be alone for two months.  It's not easy being a single mother during the week.  It's not easy being away from my husband.  It's not even easy telling people where my husband is and wondering how that information colors the way they now view us.  But it's what is best for my husband.  It's what he needs.  And I will support him. 

I am convinced that the reason my husband's PTSD isn't so much worse than it is is because of the fact that I have been so supportive of him.  I encouraged him to talk to me without pushing him.  I encouraged him to seek help, and sometimes pushed him when I needed to.  I am there for him and he knows that.  I'm saddened at the thought that there are soldiers out there going through the same things my husband is without the support they need.  I can't blame the wives either.  Sometimes they just don't realize what is going on.  That is why I've started this blog.  It's why I plan to go to school to be a social worker.  I want to help others who are suffering in the way my husband and I are.  It's amazing what a little support will do. 

I believe that healthy priorities are as follows:

1. God
2. Spouse
3. Children
4. Ministry/career
5. Family/friends

Some might wonder why the children come AFTER the spouse.  Well, that is something I've always believed should be true.  Children are wonderful and need a lot of love and attention.  However, if you put your children above your spouse your marriage suffers and if your marriage is suffering you no longer have a happy home and if you don't have a happy home you don't have a stable home.  And children thrive in stable, happy homes.   Divorce often happens because one spouse or both put the children first before their marriage.  Unless there is abuse or a harmful situation for the children, your spouse should come first.  If there is abuse or it is a harmful situation for the children then of course you must do what is best for the children.  I told my husband, I believe I mentioned it in a previous blog, that I love HIM too much to allow him to push his children away and to let them grow up resenting him.  Right now it's not an issue...although they notice that there are times when he is home he's not really a part of the family, he's just there.  And they are beginning to accept that.  I don't want them to accept that.  So I have him spend as much time as possible with the kids when he is home on the weekends.  Not just for the children, but for my husband.  I know how much he loves them.  I know he will hate himself one day if he doesn't have a good relationship with the kids. 

My children need to know that my husband is my first priority, not them.  It will help them develop a healthy view of marriage.  Setting up boundaries for them will help the entire family become more stable and happier. 

Single Parenting...

I have been a single parent for going on 3 weeks now.  It is not like I'm not used to it.  The Military really prepares you to be a single parent.  The kids are pretty well behaved, things are running smoothly, and there is actually a lot less stress for me right now.  It helps that Son is over Hand Foot Mouth Disease and Daughter is on antibiotics for Strep.  That was a rough week.  The kids and I are getting into a new routine and Husband is working hard at getting better. 

He called me this evening to tell me about his first official session with his new therapist and the new treatment he will be receiving.  It is an intensive treatment called Prolonged Exposure.  He's very excited about it and most importantly, hopeful.  I've never seen him so hopeful, and happy.  He misses us, of course.  But I believe he is beginning to get his independence back as well.  He relied so heavily upon me, and now I believe he is finding strength in himself.  He told me that he is holding nothing back.  Every experience he is been burying deep down is now out in the open--from childhood experiences to war.  Things that I prayed he would discuss with his therapist but knew he probably never would he told her today.  I am hopeful as well, but then I always have been.  There had been dark times.  Times I did not even want things to work out.  But I never lost hope that it would.  I know it will.  It is simply a matter of time. 

I was telling a good friend today how easy it is for me to be a single parent right now.  That the stress level is much lower.  I can even focus better to the point where my friends are commenting on my increased level of focus (I am ADHD).  The kids are adjusting well.  I am adjusting well.  Husband comes home on the weekends and we are a happy family again.  We have always had a better relationship when it has been long distance.  We miss each other so deeply that everything else does not seem to matter much.  Perhaps when we are together we tend to take each other for granted.  Or maybe we are both so reactive and overly sensitive with each other.  Regardless of the cause, the situation remains that we seem to be happier apart.  I realize much of that has to do with my ADHD and other issues and his PTSD...it does make us reactive and volatile.  I am working hard on controlling my temper with him and he is doing the same.  Lately, the kids have been enjoying a more relaxed mommy.  A thought began to creep in my mind that perhaps this could be a more permanent situation.  Perhaps we would be happier with Daddy coming home on the weekends only.  A sort of separation.  However, would Husband be ok on his own?  I could not answer that.  I do not want to answer that.  I miss my husband terribly.  I want him back.  I want us to be happy--together.  I want us to be a family again.  I want our home to be filled with love and support and PEACE.  I know it will happen.  I know we both will finally get what we hope for.