The Next Chapter

Thanksgiving weekend was a long one with Husband.  Even though I was deeply wounded I decided not to harbor bitterness toward him.  I decided to make the best of the weekend for the sake of the children.  Thursday went well enough.  He spent most the day with my brother and I spent most the day with my sister-in-law.  We had a great Thanksgiving.  We went out for Black Friday shopping together.  The only way we really could afford to get the things we wanted for our kids and nephews.  Unlike years prior, we didn't have to beat the mad rush of crazed Walmart shoppers.  We started with ToysRus, so instead of the adrenaline pumping action we braved 2 hours of bone chilling weather as we stood outside in line to get in.    He didn't bring a jacket so he left to the VA to get it.  He tried to get me to go back to the car to warm up but I was being stubborn.  I don't know exactly why I refused.  I think I just didn't want to take an act of kindness from him.  Maybe I wanted him to see me physically suffering like I was suffering emotionally.  I was completely soaked through in the freezing rain.  He began to block the wind for me using himself as a barrier to protect me.  He's so good at that...always protecting me physically, always defending me from other people's attacks.  In short, we had a great time that night.  We left at 9:30pm and got home around 6am.  We laughed, we shopped, we were great friends.  

I began to think that perhaps if we just become friends that we could still salvage this marriage.  Not in the conventional sense of marriage...but perhaps just be friends who raise their kids together.  It certainly would be a lot better for the kids than not having their daddy around.  If we could take the pressures of love and a marital relationship out of the picture we'd be great friends.   I saw a slight glimmer of hope.  Because if we could become good friends, then perhaps we could fall in love once more.  

Saturday afternoon was the first time he tried to kiss me after Wednesday night's incident.  And I say incident even though we never even fought.  I said no word about what didn't happen or how I felt.  I'm sure he knew I was upset with him, but then who knows really.  He certainly was treating me with kids gloves.  When I refused to kiss him he asked what was going on.  I simply said, "You didn't do your homework."  He insisted he did.  I pointed out that it does not really count when he does it after I fall asleep.  He said he felt trapped after I asked him about it.  I certainly don't understand how he would feel that way, but he's entitled to feel that way.  Even so, it's not a good enough excuse for me.  I'm not obliged to wait for him to feel ready when I am bone tired and can barely keep my eyes open.  He asked if I was saying that he missed his chance.  I said I was saying how can I commit to six months of marital counseling when he couldn't do the homework from a therapist he trusts?  How could I open myself up for hurt yet again not knowing if he'd even try to make it work.  He said that he better get to see his kids every day and at least be able to talk to me.  And he ran out of the room.  I cried.  I felt that he was saying that he was done as well and it meant that he didn't truly love me like I feared.  However the last bit stood out to me like a beacon in the night, "I want to at least be able to talk to you."  He said it with so much pain in his eyes.  Does he really love me?  Is he pushing me away because he's afraid of hurting me again?  He came back in the room.  I said, "I just want to know that you will put everything you have into making this marriage work."  He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "When is the last time I've been so open with you?  I'll put everything into this."  I simply said "ok".  He said he didn't want to keep hurting me and wasn't going to ask me to stay so that he could.  And that he wouldn't keep me in a marriage I didn't want to be in.  I said that all I wanted was to know he was doing his best.  

The rest of the night went well, we fell asleep holding each other.  Sunday went well, after church we cuddled on the couch once we put the kids to bed.  He left early so he could get his homework done for his therapist.  It was hard for the kids and I to have him for so long and see him leave again.  Our youngest wakes up every morning calling for his daddy.  He looks for Daddy wherever we go.  He doesn't understand.  They've done so well these past eight weeks.  Now they desperately need him home.  I need him home.  Husband's therapist contacted a marital counselor at the VA and our first appointment is in two weeks.  I'm doing everything I possibly can to set us up for success.  If this marriage fails no one will be able to say it was my fault or that I could have done more.  My next post will list some of the things I'm doing to help my husband succeed in every way possible.  But for now I have to work on those things.  I am hopeful.  I still believe in my husband, whether he believes in himself or not.

Completely Open

I am going to be completely open on this post.  This is because I need to be.  I need an outlet for my emotions and frustrations.  Husband comes home next Friday, I mean for good.  He's out of the program.  And while his therapist is optimistic and sees significant progress, I don't.  I mean, yes he is using his coping skills more.  And yes, he is learning to control his anger in certain situations.  And yes, he is learning to become more independent.  His treatment of me as his wife has only gotten worse.  He is less respectful of me.  He is less kind to me.  He bullies me more and more.  I am not the type to take bullying so it ends up in a huge explosive fight.  I am becoming someone I do not like.  If you ask any of my friends they'd say I was one of the kindest and sweetest people.  I don't say that to boast.  I say it because I hate to know that I have hurt someone, even if it was not my intention.  It makes me lose sleep.  Some nights I lie awake thinking about how I hurt someone 10 years ago unintentionally.

We had a 2 hour session with his therapist yesterday.  We had gotten into an argument on the way.  We also had a huge fight a couple days before that wasn't really resolved.  I didn't want to go.  I wanted to be done.  But I went.  I wanted to do whatever I could to make it work.  So I went.  I became on the verge of tears while in there and the therapist asked why the tears.  I broke down and said because I wanted to be done--completely done.  She said she didn't believe me and thought I was just upset and angry.  I think by the end of the session she believed me.  I hoped my husband did.  I told her I was done with the bullying and the disrespect.  I could handle everything else.  I could understand everything else.  But his treatment of me was crossing the line.  He doesn't treat anyone else like that, why does he treat me like that?  And yes, I know, he treats me like that because he feels I'm safe...that I won't leave him.  What he doesn't get is that I will leave him.  Or maybe he does get it.  Maybe he is trying to get me to leave him so he can say "See!  The world is against me!"  Or maybe his biggest fear is that I'll leave him and he's self defeating.  I don't know.  What I do know is that I can't even say for sure if he loves me or if he just thinks he really needs me.  I used to be able to say without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me with all his heart.  But I also never thought he'd treat me the way he is now.

He has always been mean to me at times.  However it's usually been more passive aggressive.  Now he's just aggressive and overtly mean.  Don't get me wrong, I have my faults too.  I know I do.  I saw a therapist for nearly a year with a big ol' spotlight right on my every weakness and issue and fault.  I work hard on overcoming those issues.  I understand what my husband is going through with his PTSD and TBI.  I understand it makes it hard for him to respond to me or to keep from an angry outburst.  I overlook the murderous glares even though they hurt me, I try to remember it's not him, it's not how he really feels.  However, he never tries to understand that I am a single mother with children who always seem to be getting sick.  I have responsibilities and jobs to do outside the house.  I am physically exhausted and mentally scattered all day every day because of some kind of health issue the dr's have yet to determine.  I try hard to keep the house organized and clean.  I try hard to get places on time with him.  And just like there are things I do to help him succeed despite his weaknesses, there are things he can do to help me succeed.  Such as help me get the kids ready, help me keep track of the time instead of waiting for me to fail so he can be angry with me, help me clean the house, even just pick up his socks.  But I get no grace from him.  My issues are my issues and his issues are my issues.  And yet, even that I can try to overlook.  Even that I know we could fix and get past with counseling.

So I agreed to commit to 6 months of marital counseling.  She asked me to think about it and tell her on Monday.  But I had decided that I would.  If he was willing, if he wanted to make things work, then of course I would.  She gave him a "prescription" homework I guess.  It was to do something intimate for me but we could not have sex.  Give me a massage or draw me a bath, just something.  He said he was glad to do so and of course I'm all for that.  To be honest, my sex drive has plummeted because of the health issues I'm dealing with.  He said I keep dates of when we last had sex.  Which isn't true.  It's hard to forget when you last had sex when you have it infrequently.  And even then I have a hard time remembering exactly when because my concept of time is a bit skewed--meaning I really have very little concept of passing time, maybe it's part of the ADHD

I understand this is sounding like a rant.   And you're right, it is.  I'm venting.  I need to or I'll explode into a mess of emotions and today I cannot afford to.  It's Thanksgiving.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I thank God for my husband.  I thank God for my children.  I thank God for blessing me financially and physically even if we struggle and even if I don't feel myself.  But you know what?  I still can pay the bills.  I still can feed my children.  I can still clothe them and put shoes on their feet.  I can still afford to get them gifts for Christmas.  This is much more than 90% of the world.  And even though my marriage is not what it should be, we had great times and good memories and two wonderful children to show for it.  I tried my best.  I did what I could.  But it wasn't enough.  I was never enough.

So this brings be to the whole point of this post because it might very well be my last.  I don't even have any readers, so I'm not afraid of disappointing anyone.  I was just hoping I could help someone out there like me dealing with their spouse's PTSD.  I hope they have better luck than I have.  I mentioned that his therapist prescribed a simple task, homework.  He's never had an issue getting his homework done for her before and she really stretched him and pushed him.  I didn't think this was a stretch.  Simply give me a massage, hold me, something.  He refused to do it.  He left out of there gung ho to help me get the house ready for tomorrow since it was a disaster because the baby and I were completely sick.  But really it was probably an hour, maybe an hour and a half worth of work.  I could have gotten it all done on my own in two hours.  I know, I have.  I asked him to simply pick up the toys off the floor in the toy room.  Would have taken me half an hour to do, I know because I've done it.  Not organize, just dump them into the toy boxes and onto the shelves.  The room would be destroyed again anyway.  I said we could get the rest of the house in the morning.  We went upstairs and I was in bed around 9:30pm.  I even put off prepping the food so that I could get to bed as early as possible trying to set him up for success in this one small task.  I said good night to my friend I had been texting.  And I waited.  He laid in bed watching videos on his phone.  I waited.  He watched.  I waited.  I waited.  I waited.  I struggled with the thought of reminding him or not.  I decided to remind him, to take that excuse off the table...even though it wasn't likely he had forgotten any of his other assignments from his therapist.  I said I was going to bed soon and was he planning on doing his homework.  He said, "later".  I said I was going to bed now.  I fell asleep.  He did not do it.  He refused to do it.  One simple thing from a therapist he respects and trusts.  He did not do it.

I cannot commit six months of therapy with a therapist he doesn't know and doesn't trust when he refused to do what the therapist he does adore and trust asked him to do for me.  He does not want this marriage to work.  As much as he spouts my praises when I'm not there, as much as he says he adores me and can't think of having a better wife than me.  He doesn't truly believe it.  I can never do right.  I can never do enough.  All I hear is grumbles and complains under his breath, to my face, behind my back.  All I get is disrespect and intimidation.  He wants to be a martyr.  He thinks the world is against him.  It should be us against the world, but apparently I am the world to him.  He cannot love and hate me at the same time.  And he does hate me.  I can see it.  The hate seething from the glares, from his words, from his actions.  I cannot be married to a man who hates me.  And so, I have made my choice.  And yet, I still have a "but" in there.  Because I cannot completely give up on him.  I love him.  I have emotionally checked out of this marriage.  I have to.  I cannot survive anymore hurt without continuing to change into the person I hate to be.  But if...If he can truly prove to me I am his highest priority second only to God...only then will I check back in.  And even then so very very cautiously.  I hate that I am even leaving the door open.  I feel like a weak woman.  One of those women you think, "why is she being so stupid always going back to him?"  Well, it's because I love him.  I see his potential.  It's what made me fall so deeply in love with him...his potential.  The man he is destined to be is locked away in there behind his fears of letting go and letting God take control of his life.  I saw it the very day I met him.  I saw it as if it were stamped on his head "destined for greatness".  I wanted to be the one to help him unlock it.  To be the one at his side as together we changed the world doing God's work.  I still believe in him.  I still believe he can do such great and wonderful things.  Just like the wife who says "I always knew he'd become President" or the wife of Billy Graham who could say "I always knew he'd do such great things for God."  Not in some grandiose scheme to become rich and famous.  I could do that on my own if I truly wanted.  But because I truly believed in my husband.

And yet I can't help him.  I can't do anything for him.  He's pushed me away.  He's checked out.  More than checked out.  He's sabotaging our marriage and I no longer have the means to fight back...the will to fight back.  I cannot go on.  There are days when I struggle with the urge to hate him, to truly hate him.  I have never ever felt hate toward anyone even though I have had every right to hate certain people in my life.  And yet I struggle with it with the man I love so much.  The one that should be there for me through thick and thin.  I never ever thought I was capable of hating at all.  Hate is so unnatural for me.  And yet it surges in my heart, blackens the world around me, prods me to lash out on my children.  I hate the person I am becoming.  I refuse to be that person anymore.  I don't even know how he can prove to me that I now come first in his life.  I don't even know if it's possible.  But I can't wait for it to happen.

Dealing With The VA

is a pain in the butt!  We've been trying to get Husband's rating for PTSD raised to 70% and get 100% total disability.  However, it's been an impossible task.  We have friends who have less severe PTSD who are rated higher than Husband.  It is quite frustrating.  However, persistence and documentation is key.  We'll keep submitting the paperwork until we get an answer we're hoping for.  We just might make a call to the senator soon as well.  I'm praying something goes through soon.  Husband can't go back to work and he can't stay home with the kids.  And it's important to both of us that the kids not be in daycare right now.  I do have faith something will come through soon!

Veteran's Day

"Happy Veterans Day" is an odd phrase to me.  How is it happy exactly?  Maybe my view of it is tainted, twisted in a way.  Yes, I have fond memories of our time in the military.  However, when I think of Veterans Day I think of the sacrifices veterans have made throughout the decades.  Today Husband and I took the kids to a restaurant to capitalize on the free meal for veterans.  I saw veterans young and old.  Fresh active duty soldiers to WWII era marines.  Many were Vietnam veterans, some were wearing OIF/OEF garb.  The place was packed with veterans and my heart went out to them all...especially the veteran sitting across from me at my table.  He seemed a stranger to me tonight...it's been a trend lately.  I had warring feelings of empathy and resentment.  On Veterans Day everyone remembers the veterans...but what about their families?

War has torn families apart for generations of veterans.  Many combat veterans come back from war and shut down or push their families away, or worse.  The families of these combat veterans understand what it is to live with PTSD, even if they don't realize that's what it is.  Sadly, the friends and family of these military families just don't seem to understand what is going on and they leave the picture as well.  Spouses are unaware of what is making their combat veterans dramatically different, and many leave.  Some are aware and decide they cannot deal with it and they leave.  Some want desperately to help their spouse but their veteran just will not accept help.  So they leave or stay in an abusive or otherwise unhealthy marriage as their veteran's condition continues to worsen.  Others seem to understand their spouse and do everything in their power to make things work, in a healthy way.  Their lives are not easy ones.  No one understands their decisions.  No one understands their spouse.  Very few people truly understand PTSD and how it affects those suffering from it.  The second half of this post is dedicated to helping explain how PTSD affects combat veterans.  Perhaps someone suffering from PTSD will stumble upon this and forward it to their family and close friends.  Or maybe a family member will find this and begin to understand their combat veteran just that much more.  But the true reason of this post is that as desperately as I want my own family and friends to understand, I know there are spouses out there who want it as bad as I do.  Perhaps my own loved ones will never understand, but I hope yours will.  

Unfortunately, some symptoms are harder to pin down as PTSD. Some are harder to accept than others because we wonder how they even have to do with PTSD.  We might be tempted to say it's an excuse or question the validity.  However, PTSD affects every area of one's life.  In minor cases the symptoms are easily handled and hidden.  Other cases are more severe and are more visible to those around them.  Impulsiveness, illogical speech or ideas, seemingly immature behavior are all symptoms of PTSD that are hard for those around you to understand.  Husband is going through intensive therapy.  He has to relive everything he goes over and over again.  He has to face his fears and participate in every triggering activity that he's been avoiding.  To others it might seem like there is no progress or it is simply making things worse.  However, it has to get worse before it can get better.  He's become more impulsive, more distant, he seems as if he's "checked out" of our marriage.  Sadly, even the children are beginning to notice that even when Daddy's home he's not always here.  He throws himself into projects as soon as he's home, limiting quality time with us.  It hurts.  It's hard to accept.  I want to throw him out of the house and tell him not to come back until he is more vested into this family.  But I can't.  I should show him love when instead I give him the cold shoulder.  I should be more supportive, but I fail too.  It's hard to not take it personally.  It's hard to ignore the immaturity and impulsive behavior.  It's hard to not worry about how others are perceiving his recent behavior and "FTW" attitude, and his increased avoidance of church which really boils down to distancing himself from God.  

I am learning to put my hope in God.  To trust Him to do it all.  I cannot help my husband.  I cannot force him to trust me.  But I can trust God to do the work.  I can trust Him to heal Husband's heart and mind and his relationships.  I love my husband so much.  And yes, I am deeply hurting.  I believe I am a strong woman.  I know people perceive I am stronger than I feel.  However, right now, all I want to do is cry.  I want someone in my corner who I can lean on and simply bawl my eyes out.  Someone who understands the pain I feel--my own pain and my husband's.  Fortunately, I have God.  And I know He understands better than anyone ever could.

Explaining PTSD

Mary's Gorilla Theory -- a fun yet profound allegory

Being diagnosed with PTSD is a bit like getting home to find there's a gorilla in your house. You contact the approved authorities, but they tell you, what you have here is a gorilla and there's not much we can do about that.

The gorilla in your house will cause problems in every part of your life. Your spouse may decide he/she can't deal with the gorilla and leave. Your boss may get upset that you've brought your gorilla to work with you and it's disrupting your work mates who don't know how to deal with gorillas. you're arriving for work wearing a suit the gorilla has slept on. Some days you don't turn up at all because the gorilla has barricaded you in the bathroom or sit on you so you can't get out of bed. Your friends will get cheesed off because they don't want to come to your house for fear of the gorilla, and the gorilla won't always let you out - your only topic of conversation is this darned gorilla and the devastation it's causing.
There are three major approaches to the gorilla in your house.

One is to ignore it and hope it will go away. This is unlikely to work. A 300 pound gorilla will sleep where he likes, and if that's on top of you, it WILL have an effect on you.
Another is to try and force the gorilla out, wrestling with it constantly, spending all your time fighting it. This often is a losing battle. Some choose to give all their money to to people who will come and wave crystals at the gorilla, from a safe distance of course. This doesn't work either.
I have known people spend the best years of their lives and tens of thousands of pounds/dollars trying to force the gorilla to go away. The gorilla might go for a while but will wander back into their house.

The third way to deal with the gorilla in your house is to accept it, tame it and make it part of your life. Figure out a way to calm your gorilla down. Teach it how to sit still until you are able to take it places with you without it making a scene. Negotiate with your boss about ways to accommodate, or even make use of your gorilla. Meet other people who live with gorillas and enjoy having something in common, and share gorilla taming tips.

People get really upset and suggest you enjoy having a gorilla around because of the attention it gets you (while ignoring the massive pile of steaming gorilla turds in your bedroom every day and night). The best way to deal with these people is to smile and remind yourself that one day they too could have a gorilla in their house.

From National Center of PTSD

How Does PTSD Develop?

All people with PTSD have lived through a traumatic event that caused them to fear for their lives, see horrible things, and feel helpless. Strong emotions caused by the event create changes in the brain that may result in PTSD.

Most people who go through a traumatic event have some symptoms at the beginning. Yet only some will develop PTSD. It isn't clear why some people develop PTSD and others don't. How likely you are to get PTSD depends on many things:

• How intense the trauma was or how long it lasted
• If you lost someone you were close to or were hurt
• How close you were to the event
• How strong your reaction was
• How much you felt in control of events
• How much help and support you got after the event

Many people who develop PTSD get better at some time. But about 1 out of 3 people with PTSD may continue to have some symptoms. Even if you continue to have symptoms, treatment can help you cope. Your symptoms don't have to interfere with your everyday activities, work, and relationships.

Symptoms of PTSD can be terrifying. They may disrupt your life and make it hard to continue with your daily activities. It may be hard just to get through the day.

PTSD symptoms usually start soon after the traumatic event, but they may not happen until months or years later. They also may come and go over many years. If the symptoms last longer than 4 weeks, cause you great distress, or interfere with your work or home life, you probably have PTSD.

There are four types of PTSD symptoms:

1. Reliving the event (also called re-experiencing symptoms):
Bad memories of the traumatic event can come back at any time. You may feel the same fear and horror you did when the event took place. You may have nightmares. You even may feel like you're going through the event again. This is called a flashback. Sometimes there is a trigger -- a sound or sight that causes you to relive the event. Triggers might include:
• Hearing a car backfire, which can bring back memories of gunfire and war for a combat Veteran.
• Seeing a car accident, which can remind a crash survivor of his or her own accident.
• Seeing a news report of a sexual assault, which may bring back memories of assault for a woman who was raped.
2. Avoiding situations that remind you of the event:
You may try to avoid situations or people that trigger memories of the traumatic event. You may even avoid talking or thinking about the event. For example: [examples modified to fit combat ptsd]
• May avoid watching television shows or movies in which there war themes or violence.
• Military personnel who were attacked in urban areas on foot patrol or convoys might avoid crowded areas or heavy traffic.
• Some people may keep very busy or avoid seeking help. This keeps them from having to think or talk about the event.  
• Those very close to combat with casualties or in Aid Stations/hospitals may avoid handling raw meat or blood.  The very smell of blood can be a strong trigger.


3. Feeling numb:
You may find it hard to express your feelings. This is another way to avoid memories.
• You may not have positive or loving feelings toward other people and may stay away from relationships.  [This is particularly hard for spouses and children to cope with]
• You may not be interested in activities you used to enjoy.
• You may not be able to remember parts of the traumatic event or not be able to talk about them.


4. Feeling keyed up (also called hyperarousal):
You may be jittery, or always alert and on the lookout for danger. This is known as hyperarousal. It can cause you to:
• Suddenly become angry or irritable
• Have a hard time sleeping.
• Have trouble concentrating.
• Fear for your safety and always feel on guard.
• Be very startled when something surprises you.

What are other common problems?

People with PTSD may also have other problems. These include:  

• Drinking or drug problems.
• Feelings of hopelessness, shame, or despair.
• Employment problems.
• Relationships problems including divorce and violence.
• Physical symptoms.

From The Sidran Institute

MYTH: People should be able to move on with their lives after a traumatic event. Those who can't cope are weak.

FACT: Many people who experience an extremely traumatic event go through an adjustment period following the exposure. Most of these people are able to return to leading a normal life. However, the stress caused by trauma can affect all aspects of a person's life including mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Research suggests that prolonged trauma may disrupt and alter brain chemistry. For some people, a traumatic event changes their views about themselves and the world around them. This may lead to the development of PTSD.

Priorities

I am in a discipleship class at my church.  My pastor teaches it and it is geared toward those wanting to be in ministry some day.  The other day we talked about priorities.  And my pastor said something very interesting that I really hadn't thought of.  He said that priorities are just ideals until you put them into action.  It's great to say "My family is my priority" or "God is my first priority" or whatever your priority is, however, what are you doing to make that happen?  I got a little choked up when talking about my priorities.  Of course God is my first priority and though I do have a hard time keeping it that way, I try to talk with Him throughout the day and before I go to bed.  I try to read the Bible every day and teach my children Bible verses and stories in the Bible.  However, since this lesson was on family I explained my priority of always supporting my husband.  Everyone in the room knows that my husband is in a therapy program.  When my pastor asked me how I was keeping that a priority I said that I have to support him no matter what.  Even if it means my family will be angry with me or if I have to be alone for two months.  It's not easy being a single mother during the week.  It's not easy being away from my husband.  It's not even easy telling people where my husband is and wondering how that information colors the way they now view us.  But it's what is best for my husband.  It's what he needs.  And I will support him. 

I am convinced that the reason my husband's PTSD isn't so much worse than it is is because of the fact that I have been so supportive of him.  I encouraged him to talk to me without pushing him.  I encouraged him to seek help, and sometimes pushed him when I needed to.  I am there for him and he knows that.  I'm saddened at the thought that there are soldiers out there going through the same things my husband is without the support they need.  I can't blame the wives either.  Sometimes they just don't realize what is going on.  That is why I've started this blog.  It's why I plan to go to school to be a social worker.  I want to help others who are suffering in the way my husband and I are.  It's amazing what a little support will do. 

I believe that healthy priorities are as follows:

1. God
2. Spouse
3. Children
4. Ministry/career
5. Family/friends

Some might wonder why the children come AFTER the spouse.  Well, that is something I've always believed should be true.  Children are wonderful and need a lot of love and attention.  However, if you put your children above your spouse your marriage suffers and if your marriage is suffering you no longer have a happy home and if you don't have a happy home you don't have a stable home.  And children thrive in stable, happy homes.   Divorce often happens because one spouse or both put the children first before their marriage.  Unless there is abuse or a harmful situation for the children, your spouse should come first.  If there is abuse or it is a harmful situation for the children then of course you must do what is best for the children.  I told my husband, I believe I mentioned it in a previous blog, that I love HIM too much to allow him to push his children away and to let them grow up resenting him.  Right now it's not an issue...although they notice that there are times when he is home he's not really a part of the family, he's just there.  And they are beginning to accept that.  I don't want them to accept that.  So I have him spend as much time as possible with the kids when he is home on the weekends.  Not just for the children, but for my husband.  I know how much he loves them.  I know he will hate himself one day if he doesn't have a good relationship with the kids. 

My children need to know that my husband is my first priority, not them.  It will help them develop a healthy view of marriage.  Setting up boundaries for them will help the entire family become more stable and happier. 

Single Parenting...

I have been a single parent for going on 3 weeks now.  It is not like I'm not used to it.  The Military really prepares you to be a single parent.  The kids are pretty well behaved, things are running smoothly, and there is actually a lot less stress for me right now.  It helps that Son is over Hand Foot Mouth Disease and Daughter is on antibiotics for Strep.  That was a rough week.  The kids and I are getting into a new routine and Husband is working hard at getting better. 

He called me this evening to tell me about his first official session with his new therapist and the new treatment he will be receiving.  It is an intensive treatment called Prolonged Exposure.  He's very excited about it and most importantly, hopeful.  I've never seen him so hopeful, and happy.  He misses us, of course.  But I believe he is beginning to get his independence back as well.  He relied so heavily upon me, and now I believe he is finding strength in himself.  He told me that he is holding nothing back.  Every experience he is been burying deep down is now out in the open--from childhood experiences to war.  Things that I prayed he would discuss with his therapist but knew he probably never would he told her today.  I am hopeful as well, but then I always have been.  There had been dark times.  Times I did not even want things to work out.  But I never lost hope that it would.  I know it will.  It is simply a matter of time. 

I was telling a good friend today how easy it is for me to be a single parent right now.  That the stress level is much lower.  I can even focus better to the point where my friends are commenting on my increased level of focus (I am ADHD).  The kids are adjusting well.  I am adjusting well.  Husband comes home on the weekends and we are a happy family again.  We have always had a better relationship when it has been long distance.  We miss each other so deeply that everything else does not seem to matter much.  Perhaps when we are together we tend to take each other for granted.  Or maybe we are both so reactive and overly sensitive with each other.  Regardless of the cause, the situation remains that we seem to be happier apart.  I realize much of that has to do with my ADHD and other issues and his PTSD...it does make us reactive and volatile.  I am working hard on controlling my temper with him and he is doing the same.  Lately, the kids have been enjoying a more relaxed mommy.  A thought began to creep in my mind that perhaps this could be a more permanent situation.  Perhaps we would be happier with Daddy coming home on the weekends only.  A sort of separation.  However, would Husband be ok on his own?  I could not answer that.  I do not want to answer that.  I miss my husband terribly.  I want him back.  I want us to be happy--together.  I want us to be a family again.  I want our home to be filled with love and support and PEACE.  I know it will happen.  I know we both will finally get what we hope for.

It's A Hard Enough Road

I know I've touched on this before in probably every post I've blogged so far.  However, it is probably the most difficult thing, or one of the most difficult things, I have to deal with.  I can't offer advice on how to change it because I don't know myself.  I just got off the phone with a family member and I cried and cried during the call and after the call.  Perhaps it's simply the dynamics between us that causes such anger to flair and feelings trampled upon.  All I want, all I desperately need is support from my family.  I need them to know that I know what I'm doing.  I need them to know that my husband is doing his best to get better.  That I do trust him and I am within every right to do so.  I understand that some allow their symptoms to get so out of control that they would hurt those around them, I also know that this is something those closest to someone with PTSD should be aware of and look for signs of.  However, if I was blind to this knowledge I would not have insisted my husband get help now before it even has a chance to get to that point. 

All I hope and pray for is that my family be understanding, forgiving, and supportive.  I'm sorry my husband hurt your feelings.  I'm sorry I am hurting your feelings for standing up for him.  However, it is detrimental to the health of our marriage that we stick together.  All I can do is apologize to you for what he's done.  All I can hope for is that you understand what he's going through and show some grace.  What more can I do?  I will not allow anyone to criticize my husband.  I will not allow anyone to become a wedge between us.  One day I hope you understand all this. 

If your spouse is suffering from PTSD perhaps you understand what I'm going through.  I am not, by any means, saying that you should turn a deaf ear to the concerns of your family.  You should consider them, like I do.  Because sometimes we are blind to the things that are happening because we don't want to admit what is going on.  I do listen to my family.  I do hear their advice.  But I am not blind to what is happening.  I see everything.  I'm not happy with everything that is going on with my husband.  I'm not happy he rolls his eyes in frustration at my mom, or snaps at my sister.  But I do know that he loves them so much, he loves my entire family and is incredibly grateful for all they've done for us. 

I'm not entirely sure how to handle this.  All I can do is pray for wisdom and patience.  I know part of it is my inability to brush it off.  Quite frankly, it hurts to have my ability to care for my children questioned.  It hurts to have my husband's trustworthiness questioned.  That is how it should be.  My father did not have PTSD yet we grew up feeling like we had to walk on egg shells around him to keep him from blowing up.  I will not allow that to happen to my children.  I love my father and he did the best he could, much better than what he was taught.  He was a good father and provided for us.  My husband is a good father, the best.  He knows when he is reaching his frustration limit and walks away before he blows up and yells at  the kids.  He rarely yells at me when we're arguing, though I cannot say the same about myself (which is something that really should not be done when arguing with someone with PTSD). 

All I need from anyone is more support and less criticism.  I encourage anyone in the same situation to explain to the unsupported friend or family how you feel and that you appreciate their advice and opinion but to respect yours as well.  But if they don't know that they are hurting you, how will they know to stop?  Don't assume they know how their words make you feel, they might think that they are protecting you as in my case, however they do need to know that their words are cutting deep.  Keep a listening ear open, but don't allow them to tear down your spouse either. There is a difference between blindly sticking up for your spouse and standing up for them.  It might be a fine line, but it's an important one to distinguish.  Even a simple "I understand what you are saying, and I know you care about me.  However, he is my husband (she is my wife) and I would appreciate it if you didn't talk about him/her in that way.  There is constructive criticism then there is bashing.  I feel you are bashing my spouse."  I hope you have better luck at it than I have so far.

Because it's a hard enough road we are taking without adding unsupportive and critical family and friends to the mixture.

Gossip Is Therapy's Worst Enemy

When my husband was told of the 6 week program he's now in he didn't want to even discuss it.  I couldn't blame him.  I had my reservations about it.  Sure we can hide the fact he's in the mental health clinic at the VA for a week, but a 6 week program?  People would wonder where he's at.  He finally decided that his mental health and his family were more important to him then what others were saying.  We decided not to hide where he was.  But it's not like you can make a public announcement "I will be gone for the next 6 weeks in a program at the VA for intensive therapy for PTSD and TBI".  And a public Facebook status is just tacky, besides those who won't realize he's gone don't need to know.  I am very proud of my husband for taking that step and forgetting about what others might think of him.  Of course he's still self conscious about it.  I'm self conscious for him.  I don't want people to misunderstand this program or what he's personally going through.  And, ultimately, it's none of their business.  If someone wants to tell me something they'll tell me.  All I have to do is ask them.  That's how I feel about things.  Not everyone shares the same views. 

We recently had to face this very issue.  Because we didn't hide where Husband is, I posted on his wall that I missed him.  I realize people can see these posts, I didn't care that they knew he was gone.  I didn't care that they discussed amongst themselves where they think he is.  I don't even care that people pass that information on...as long as they aren't doing it in a way that deems "gossip".  You know, the malicious none-of-my-business-but-I'm-going-to-act-like-I-know-all-about-everything type of talk, the I-could-care-less-about-them-but-this-is-too-juicy-to-pass-up kind of talk.  I really could care less about what people think about me, but when they talk about my family it hurts deep.  I don't want people to see him in a bad light, because he is a good man.  If he wasn't a good man he wouldn't be in therapy.  He's not locked up.  He can come home anytime he wants to.  He's not an alcoholic, he's not a druggie, he's not a wife beater.  He's in a program that will provide intensive therapy and coping skills.  What makes it so effective is that it is a residential thing...therapy is not watered down by time.  He doesn't have just one therapy session every week.  It's a all day event every day for 6 weeks (except the weekends).  If that makes him crazy or psycho then think whatever you want. Today Husband and I have been hurt and angered by gossip. 

Many soldiers and families are hurt because of gossip.  The stigma that attaches itself to therapy, medication, and programs is undeserving negative.  Why does it make someone weak to stand up and say "I need to do this for myself and for my family"?  How does it make them crazy or weak?  My husband checked himself in both for the mental health clinic and for this program.  I didn't force him, I didn't push it.  I told him it was his decision and I would support him in it as long as he was doing what was best for him in the long run.  Was the week stay at the VA mental health clinic necessary?  Maybe, but I don't think he would have committed suicide if he hadn't gone.  I think it gave him a lot to think about and showed him how he could end up if he didn't face his demons much like a lot of the more permanent residents there.  But he did it because he cared about his family, he cared enough for us that he would make sure not to lose us in any way.  He did it because he wants to be better and he knows he can't do it on his own.  He decided to do this program.  And even though now he knows that people are talking about him, he's still dedicated to becoming better.  I used to be embarrassed by the fact that I went to see a therapist.  But I got over it.  Now I'm not ashamed to say "My therapist once told me..." or to admit I went to a therapist.  (Though I didn't originally go to see this therapist about dealing with my husband's PTSD, we ended up talking about it a lot.  I would recommend any spouse to go see a therapist about living with their PTSD.  Tricare will cover Family Therapy, and the VA offers family counseling).

Don't let embarrassment or pride stand in the way of what you need to do for your family and for yourself.  Don't be afraid to tell those closest to you what's going on and what you're feeling.  Remember,

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss 

It takes a strong and courageous person to put themselves out there and do what they need to do to better themselves.  People don't talk about a closet alcoholic because that person refuses to get help and when their lives come crashing down people wonder what happened.  Then they look down their noses on them anyway.  No matter what you do, people will talk.  So why bother with what they think?  Just do what you need to do for yourself, and for your family.

It's Quite A Ride

One of the hardest things about my husband having PTSD is that his mood is unpredictable.  He doesn't have screaming or violent fits of rage, however his icy silence cuts to the core.  I don't always know when I'll have my happy, affectionate, totally-devoted-to-me husband or the depressed, angry, and couldn't-care-less man I don't know.  Sometimes I get something in between.  At times I can tell he's trying hard to be who he really is and cast aside the obstacles of PTSD.  Other times he completely gives in and I fall to sleep sobbing wondering how long I can keep this up.  It is an emotional roller coaster ride with ups and downs that span hours, not just months or even days.  I confide in only the closest of my friends and I wonder if they think I'm crazy for being "done" one day and absolutely in love the next.  If not they probably would if they realized that it's not just a day to day phenomenon, some days it's hourly.  Those are hard days to bear.  However, what is harder still is days on end of being shut out completely.  So, if I can see glimpses of the man I fell in love with I'll endure this roller coaster. 

I don't know if everyone married to someone suffering from PTSD experiences this.  I know I do.  And I know that it's hard.  However, I realize that I love my husband.  I mean, I really really love him.  It's not a love that fades.  It's not a conditional love based on the way he treats me or the way he acts.  It's an unconditional forever kind of love.  I will never "fall out" of love with him.  I might not always feel like I love him.  But loving him is a choice I make every day.  One of the hallmarks of PTSD is the inability to feel love.  I see that in my husband at times.  He tries hard to show me he loves me but sometimes I just know he struggles to feel it.  Sometimes he doesn't even try to hide it, he gives in to that lack of feeling toward me.  However, he also knows that in his heart of hearts he loves me more than anything else in this world.  He chooses to love me even when he doesn't feel it.  I choose to love him even when I don't feel it.  Some professionals have expressed to him their surprise that I have been so supportive of him and stuck by his side when others would have left.  I mentioned this in another post.  The thing about that is, I know that God has His hand on my husband's life.  God allows him to feel more love toward me than he typically should.  God allows me to understand my husband more than I typically should.  I cannot turn my back on my marriage knowing that God is with us.  Maybe one day my husband will give up completely and God will see into his heart and tell me it's ok to leave.  Not that God is forcing me to stay now, but He is telling me He is with me.  He is with us. 

There are times when I get angry.  There are times when, I'm ashamed to admit, I battle feelings of hatred toward my husband.  There are times when I am so angry and wounded I want to physically and emotionally hurt him to show him how deeply he's wounded my heart.  I'm not perfect.  I have my own issues that compound our situation.  We are both wounded birds carrying our individual baggage.  My last therapist once told me that I have Abandonment Rage.  Which apparently means that when my husband wounds me I tend to fly off the handle into sometimes such a ridiculous overreaction because I am afraid of losing him and that fuels my fear of abandonment...of rejection.  Which rejection has always been my biggest fear, that was nothing new to me.  I don't know if I fully agree with her, but I do know that there is something inside of me that causes me to grossly overreact at times.  Perhaps it's just that I allow all the little hurts to build up until I am so crippled with hurt and rejection I blow up.  Let's face it.  Having a spouse with PTSD means a lot of rejection.  I am rejected over and over again in different areas of our marriage and in differing degrees.  He might not even realize I feel rejected over something he's said or done.  But the feeling is there regardless.  Every time he shuts me out, every time he refuses to talk to me, every time he refuses to touch me...rejection.  Thankfully, it's not always like that.  No, there are times when he completely surprises me and sweeps me off my feet in such a show of love, dedication, appreciation, and passion that I once again remember the burning love he has for me.  And that keeps me going even through the next very dark valley of this unpredictable ride. 

A Bend in The Road

Shortly after my last post my husband admitted to be plagued with thoughts of suicide.  This was my biggest fear.  He thought he was hiding it from me, however, he is learning that he cannot hide things from me.  Like I mentioned in my last post, God has given me wells of understanding that I don't fully comprehend.  God speaks to my heart of what my husband struggles with.  One night, after a confrontation during which my husband refused to speak with me, I left the bedroom and went to sleep with our daughter.  I had begged him to simply hold me because I needed to know he loved me.  He refused.  It cut me to the core.  So I told him everyone has their breaking point and I have reached mine.  I could deal with the aggression, deal with the frustration, the fears, the lack of intamacy.  But I could not deal with is blatant disregard for my feelings and needs, especially at such a vulerable moment.  As I settled into my daughter's bed God spoke to me to go back to my husband.  It wasn't an audible request, it was a stirring in my heart, a thought in my mind.  I am a very stubborn person.  I don't give in so easily after I've made such a stand against my husband's behaviour.  But the feeling would not go away.  I went to him.  I put my arms around him and rested my head on his chest and whispered how much I love him.  He held me tightly. 

Later he agreed to see his therapist.  He made an appointment and I told him we both needed to make lists to describe what was going on.  I made mine the night before his appointment while he slept.  He made his the next afternoon as we had lunch together before his appointment.  I told him, "Don't be mad about what I put on my list."  My list was two pages, typed and single space.  He wrote his on a napkin.  He said, "Don't be mad about what I put on mine."  The strange thing is we both were referring to a single item I had put on my list (which he hadn't seen) and he was about to put on his list.  Suicide.  It's not something I like to admit my husband dealt with, deals with.  He referred to that night...he had grabbed his bottle of pills and sat there with a handful of meds ready to end it all.  He struggled to snap out of it but all he could think of was how much better the kids and I would be without him.  Then he saw my daughter's face.  He played out the memory of coming home from Afghanistan and our 10 month old daughter being the first to see him, her chubby arms outstretched.  It's amazing to me...that he could leave when she was only 4 months and yet she recognize him so readily 6 months later.  It was a God thing.  God knew he would need that memory to survive.  I believe that with all my heart.  So many young children refuse to go to their fathers after such a long separation or they shyly hang back taking hours to days to warm back up.  It's a heart-breaking site, but never one my husband had to experience. 

I held back a sob as I read as he wrote that experience.  I told him, "Why do you think I went back in that night?  Do you think I would normally do that, being so stubborn as I am?  God told me."  Tears streamed down his face.  He began to understand, I think, how much I love him...and most importantly, how much God loves him.  During the appointment the Psychiatrist suggest my husband check himself in at the VA's psych ward if he couldn't tell the Dr that he would never actually go through with suicide.  It broke my heart to hear him respond, "I don't know that I wouldn't.  I don't know.  Sometimes it just is all I can think about.  They would be better off without me around."  He truly believed that...that we would be better off.  It broke my heart for him.  He spent the next week there.  It was a very hard experience.  We both sobbed at one point or another, breaking down completely.  He didn't want anyone to know, so there were very few people I could confide in.  Not many people can understand the pain I suffered that week.  My husband was so broken, so hurt and I couldn't help him.  I was a failure.  My kids cried for him daily, asking where he was.  I couldn't tell them. 

Oh, I wish I could say it was kittens and rainbows when he was finally released.  It wasn't.  It was better, but we still had a long way to go.  He still shut me out.  He still shuts me out, refusing to talk to me, hold me, pushing me away perhaps out of fear of losing me.  I still fear he thinks of suicide.  I became afraid of finding him dead and trying to explain to our children what happened to daddy.  While he was in the hospital I called his work telling them he would not be coming back in, indefinitely.  They were kind and understanding (he worked as a civilian with the military).  They said he had his job back whenever he wanted it.  I was grateful.  A week or two after my husband came home he had an appointment with his usual therapist.  The other therapist, Dr W, had told him of a 6 week inpatient program through the VA.  I had encouraged Husband to think about it.  He was adament against it.  At his new appointment the usual therapist, Dr. M, mentioned the 6 week program.  To my surprise Husband said he wanted to do it.  I don't know what changed his mind.  Perhaps he thought coming home from the psych ward would make things all better and quickly realized it didn't.  Whatever it was, he was committed to getting better for the sake of his family, and for himself.  It's coming close to a week now since he started the program.  I miss him.  The kids miss him.  He can take his phone so that's nice.  But we've already had a big argument.  He mentioned suicide, I called the hospital staff, they rushed into his room at midnight interrogating him.  We made up and laughed about his experience.  I think he learned not to mention suicide so flippantly.  I don't know why he even did.  Perhaps he knew he had pushed me too far and was afraid of losing me so he tried to real me back in with the fear of losing him.  Truth is, I will always be there for him.  I absolutely believe our marriage can make it.  But it depends on his willingness to better himself.  To move foward and leave the past behind.  There might come a time when I am forced to leave.  But I will always hope that if it came to that, he would put his family first and do whatever it took to get us back.  He's proving that to me now and I'm grateful. 

I do have a wonderful husband.  Though I cry myself to sleep because of the hurt and pain and sense of failure, I know that I am blessed.  God has blessed me with a wonderful man, wonderful children, and the knowledge that God will never leave me no matter how dark the path gets.  Psalm 42:5 has gotten me through the darkest valleys of my life, "Why are you so downcast, Oh my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for even yet I will praise Him, my Savior and my God."  God also laid this Scripture on my heart when Josh went into the psych ward that week... 2 Corinthians 4:8-9,13-14 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.... It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence."

God will never leave me nor forsake me even in my darkest hour.  I pray that this bend in the road is the start of a new life, leaving past hurts and pain and fears behind...for both my husband and myself.

Pilot Post

This is my first post on this blog, my pilot if you will.  In my opinion most pilot episodes are the worst, the shows always get better or they tank.  I hope to hone in my writing skills and better organize my thoughts as this blog progresses.  My mission for this blog is to share my struggles and personal victories as I journey through life hoping to reach others struggling with the same issues I face daily.  You see, my husband was recently medically retired from the military with PTSD.  We have been married five and a half years now and for the first three of those years I tried to make him realize he had PTSD.  The next step was convincing him to do something about it.  Eventually, he could not do his job any longer and they put him out of the Army.

We fell in love soon after we met.  There was such a deep connection, I had never felt that way about any one before him.  As cheesy as this sounds (especially because I'm Team Jacob and not ashamed to admit I read the Twilight series at least four times), I can identify with the connection between Edward and Bella.  However, that is a novel, a fairytale.  They had their happily ever after and I'm not sure if that's in store for me.  My husband does not have fight the urge to drink my blood, but sometimes I see him restraining a deep rage over small things I've done or said or even over things out of my control.  I'm not afraid he would actually hurt me or our children, at least physically.  However, I love him so entirely that when he pushes me away from him it cuts deep to my core.  I have my own issues to deal with, ADD being one of them.  Try building a new marriage when one partner is very ADD and the other is very OCD and throw PTSD in the mix and well, you get a lot more than acronyms.  You get hurt feelings, disappointments, deflated ideals of marriage, and two very unhappy people who feel like complete failures.  Because of our whirlwind romance we eloped two months after we met with practically everyone's blessing.  We weren't officially married and together for a few months afterward.  I was blind to the few signs I saw prior to our marriage.  I'm not even sure if it would have truly affected my decision to marry him.  I loved him, all of him, no matter what.  And I still do.  I love him with all my heart.  But it's been a very difficult journey.  His therapist once told him (and he's heard it from other professionals since) that he was very lucky I was so supportive and that many spouses would have left long before.  I don't mean to be braggadocios, I just wish other spouses would understand better.

It's not because I am such a great person.  I'm not.  I make a lot of mistakes.  I own up to the mistakes I've made.  Our marriage has been a hard one.  And I made it harder than it should have been.  But I'm learning, I'm trying.  And by the grace of God I was able to understand what was going on in my husband's mind before he understood it himself.  God has given me such wells of understanding when it comes to what my husband is going through.  At times I jump the gun, or lose my temper without trying to be understanding.  I am human, I have feelings.  However, I seem to easily understand his behaviours and thought processes sometimes better than he does himself...a lot of times better than himself.  I have been able to point out and explain perhaps why he does this or that and help him understand.  Not in my own power, but because God has shown me grace Himself.  I jumped the gun, I went outside of God's direction when I married so quickly.  I was in love and I knew my husband was the one I would eventually marry, so why not now?  It's no wonder to me why I've had such a difficult marriage.  It's what God was trying to protect me from.  I absolutely believe in my heart had we waited to be married even several months, that we would have been spared much heartache.  But I was impatient, and now I digress.  I am just thankful for the grace of God.  Without it, without Him, my marriage would have failed long ago.

I still don't know the future, I don't know where we'll be in five years, even in a couple years.  I don't know.  I know I try hard to take it each month, each week, each day, even each hour.  Some days it feels like I'm on the greatest emotional roller coaster of all times with highs and drops and loops all within a single day.  Again, I have my own issues to bring to the table so many times I tend to make it worse by overreacting.  I try hard to stem that.  But I believe it's because I was able to come to understand and realize what was going on that I could help him realize as well.  Many war veterans walk around wondering why they are suffering so much and have no clue what is truly going on.  They don't want to feel weak so they don't talk about it to anyone.

I've told my husband I have never been ashamed that he suffers from PTSD.  It's hard to live with, but I'm proud of him.  He didn't just sign up and do his job.  He went above and beyond volunteering to help in any way each time he was deployed.  He saw things no one should ever see, he had to protect his life and those of his fellow soldiers with grave consequences.  He has to live with those memories for the rest of his life.  Does that make him a bad person?  Absolutely not!  I am proud of his humanity, his sensitivity.  I'm proud of his sense of duty and honor and compassion.  I am so proud of him.  And yes, it's hard to live with him sometimes.  It's hard to see him suffer, it's hard to feel him push away.  It's very hard.  And not many people, even ones I've confided in, can imagine the pain in my heart and the anguish.  It's hard to know that others, even my own family, believe he is making excuses or that I am making excuses for him.  It's hard to know how little grace is shown to him knowing all he's been through.  He has confided in me things he won't even confide in his therapist.  I'm honored that he trusts me, I wish he could trust others in the same way.

I've told him once, and I'm not sure what he thought of it, that I feel the things he's gone through and is going through more than he realizes.  I feel like I've all but walked in his shoes.  The past five years I have tried to understand him, tried to be there for him, listened without judgement.  I wake up with him when he has a nightmare.  I see the anguish in his eyes when he begins to panic or has a flashback.  I can't ever know the full effect, the true pain and fear he feels.  However, I constantly pray that God helps me to understand it.  He might resent me for saying it, but sometimes I feel like I was there with him.  Sometimes I feel like I am suffering with him.  Not on that magnitude, it's a shadow of what he truly goes through, but short of actually having been with him in war I feel I understand him more than even he knows.

My husband is a hard person to get along with at times.  He says things he shouldn't.  He jokes too harshly at times.  At times he could care less about others' feelings.  He's impulsive and regrets his actions.  He comes across as immature at times, which perhaps he is as the military certainly fosters frat boy behaviour.  But he is  a responsible, hard working, caring person.  If he wasn't a caring person he wouldn't have PTSD.  Not to say those who don't have PTSD and suffered the same experiences he did aren't caring, who knows why not everyone suffers the same way.  Yes, my husband is impulsive.  Yes, he can be rude.  Yes, he's done things he regrets now.  Yes, he withdrawals suddenly and looks pissed off at the world.  Yes, he acts depressed and isn't fun to be around at times.  I just wish others would stop pointing out the qualities that make it so hard to be around someone with PTSD and realize what that person went through to inherit such a disorder.  Grace.  It's all I'm asking.  It hurts me when my husband pushes me away.  But I understand and I try to help him through it.  I'm not a doormat.  Don't worry about me.  I am not afraid to make him angry with me to make him upset with me by telling him what he is doing is unacceptable.  I've told him that plain and simple that I am devoted to him as his wife, but I love him too much to allow him to do something he will always regret.  I refuse to allow him to get to the point where his children resent him, where I resent him, where he resents himself.  I love him too much for that.  If that means I have to leave, then that's what I'll have to do.  I know he loves his family enough to do whatever it takes to become better so I don't know if it'll ever have to come to that.  Sometimes he just needs a clear understanding of where he is because he doesn't want to admit it to himself or to me.  I pray everyday for grace and understanding and patience.