It's Quite A Ride

One of the hardest things about my husband having PTSD is that his mood is unpredictable.  He doesn't have screaming or violent fits of rage, however his icy silence cuts to the core.  I don't always know when I'll have my happy, affectionate, totally-devoted-to-me husband or the depressed, angry, and couldn't-care-less man I don't know.  Sometimes I get something in between.  At times I can tell he's trying hard to be who he really is and cast aside the obstacles of PTSD.  Other times he completely gives in and I fall to sleep sobbing wondering how long I can keep this up.  It is an emotional roller coaster ride with ups and downs that span hours, not just months or even days.  I confide in only the closest of my friends and I wonder if they think I'm crazy for being "done" one day and absolutely in love the next.  If not they probably would if they realized that it's not just a day to day phenomenon, some days it's hourly.  Those are hard days to bear.  However, what is harder still is days on end of being shut out completely.  So, if I can see glimpses of the man I fell in love with I'll endure this roller coaster. 

I don't know if everyone married to someone suffering from PTSD experiences this.  I know I do.  And I know that it's hard.  However, I realize that I love my husband.  I mean, I really really love him.  It's not a love that fades.  It's not a conditional love based on the way he treats me or the way he acts.  It's an unconditional forever kind of love.  I will never "fall out" of love with him.  I might not always feel like I love him.  But loving him is a choice I make every day.  One of the hallmarks of PTSD is the inability to feel love.  I see that in my husband at times.  He tries hard to show me he loves me but sometimes I just know he struggles to feel it.  Sometimes he doesn't even try to hide it, he gives in to that lack of feeling toward me.  However, he also knows that in his heart of hearts he loves me more than anything else in this world.  He chooses to love me even when he doesn't feel it.  I choose to love him even when I don't feel it.  Some professionals have expressed to him their surprise that I have been so supportive of him and stuck by his side when others would have left.  I mentioned this in another post.  The thing about that is, I know that God has His hand on my husband's life.  God allows him to feel more love toward me than he typically should.  God allows me to understand my husband more than I typically should.  I cannot turn my back on my marriage knowing that God is with us.  Maybe one day my husband will give up completely and God will see into his heart and tell me it's ok to leave.  Not that God is forcing me to stay now, but He is telling me He is with me.  He is with us. 

There are times when I get angry.  There are times when, I'm ashamed to admit, I battle feelings of hatred toward my husband.  There are times when I am so angry and wounded I want to physically and emotionally hurt him to show him how deeply he's wounded my heart.  I'm not perfect.  I have my own issues that compound our situation.  We are both wounded birds carrying our individual baggage.  My last therapist once told me that I have Abandonment Rage.  Which apparently means that when my husband wounds me I tend to fly off the handle into sometimes such a ridiculous overreaction because I am afraid of losing him and that fuels my fear of abandonment...of rejection.  Which rejection has always been my biggest fear, that was nothing new to me.  I don't know if I fully agree with her, but I do know that there is something inside of me that causes me to grossly overreact at times.  Perhaps it's just that I allow all the little hurts to build up until I am so crippled with hurt and rejection I blow up.  Let's face it.  Having a spouse with PTSD means a lot of rejection.  I am rejected over and over again in different areas of our marriage and in differing degrees.  He might not even realize I feel rejected over something he's said or done.  But the feeling is there regardless.  Every time he shuts me out, every time he refuses to talk to me, every time he refuses to touch me...rejection.  Thankfully, it's not always like that.  No, there are times when he completely surprises me and sweeps me off my feet in such a show of love, dedication, appreciation, and passion that I once again remember the burning love he has for me.  And that keeps me going even through the next very dark valley of this unpredictable ride.