Pilot Post

This is my first post on this blog, my pilot if you will.  In my opinion most pilot episodes are the worst, the shows always get better or they tank.  I hope to hone in my writing skills and better organize my thoughts as this blog progresses.  My mission for this blog is to share my struggles and personal victories as I journey through life hoping to reach others struggling with the same issues I face daily.  You see, my husband was recently medically retired from the military with PTSD.  We have been married five and a half years now and for the first three of those years I tried to make him realize he had PTSD.  The next step was convincing him to do something about it.  Eventually, he could not do his job any longer and they put him out of the Army.

We fell in love soon after we met.  There was such a deep connection, I had never felt that way about any one before him.  As cheesy as this sounds (especially because I'm Team Jacob and not ashamed to admit I read the Twilight series at least four times), I can identify with the connection between Edward and Bella.  However, that is a novel, a fairytale.  They had their happily ever after and I'm not sure if that's in store for me.  My husband does not have fight the urge to drink my blood, but sometimes I see him restraining a deep rage over small things I've done or said or even over things out of my control.  I'm not afraid he would actually hurt me or our children, at least physically.  However, I love him so entirely that when he pushes me away from him it cuts deep to my core.  I have my own issues to deal with, ADD being one of them.  Try building a new marriage when one partner is very ADD and the other is very OCD and throw PTSD in the mix and well, you get a lot more than acronyms.  You get hurt feelings, disappointments, deflated ideals of marriage, and two very unhappy people who feel like complete failures.  Because of our whirlwind romance we eloped two months after we met with practically everyone's blessing.  We weren't officially married and together for a few months afterward.  I was blind to the few signs I saw prior to our marriage.  I'm not even sure if it would have truly affected my decision to marry him.  I loved him, all of him, no matter what.  And I still do.  I love him with all my heart.  But it's been a very difficult journey.  His therapist once told him (and he's heard it from other professionals since) that he was very lucky I was so supportive and that many spouses would have left long before.  I don't mean to be braggadocios, I just wish other spouses would understand better.

It's not because I am such a great person.  I'm not.  I make a lot of mistakes.  I own up to the mistakes I've made.  Our marriage has been a hard one.  And I made it harder than it should have been.  But I'm learning, I'm trying.  And by the grace of God I was able to understand what was going on in my husband's mind before he understood it himself.  God has given me such wells of understanding when it comes to what my husband is going through.  At times I jump the gun, or lose my temper without trying to be understanding.  I am human, I have feelings.  However, I seem to easily understand his behaviours and thought processes sometimes better than he does himself...a lot of times better than himself.  I have been able to point out and explain perhaps why he does this or that and help him understand.  Not in my own power, but because God has shown me grace Himself.  I jumped the gun, I went outside of God's direction when I married so quickly.  I was in love and I knew my husband was the one I would eventually marry, so why not now?  It's no wonder to me why I've had such a difficult marriage.  It's what God was trying to protect me from.  I absolutely believe in my heart had we waited to be married even several months, that we would have been spared much heartache.  But I was impatient, and now I digress.  I am just thankful for the grace of God.  Without it, without Him, my marriage would have failed long ago.

I still don't know the future, I don't know where we'll be in five years, even in a couple years.  I don't know.  I know I try hard to take it each month, each week, each day, even each hour.  Some days it feels like I'm on the greatest emotional roller coaster of all times with highs and drops and loops all within a single day.  Again, I have my own issues to bring to the table so many times I tend to make it worse by overreacting.  I try hard to stem that.  But I believe it's because I was able to come to understand and realize what was going on that I could help him realize as well.  Many war veterans walk around wondering why they are suffering so much and have no clue what is truly going on.  They don't want to feel weak so they don't talk about it to anyone.

I've told my husband I have never been ashamed that he suffers from PTSD.  It's hard to live with, but I'm proud of him.  He didn't just sign up and do his job.  He went above and beyond volunteering to help in any way each time he was deployed.  He saw things no one should ever see, he had to protect his life and those of his fellow soldiers with grave consequences.  He has to live with those memories for the rest of his life.  Does that make him a bad person?  Absolutely not!  I am proud of his humanity, his sensitivity.  I'm proud of his sense of duty and honor and compassion.  I am so proud of him.  And yes, it's hard to live with him sometimes.  It's hard to see him suffer, it's hard to feel him push away.  It's very hard.  And not many people, even ones I've confided in, can imagine the pain in my heart and the anguish.  It's hard to know that others, even my own family, believe he is making excuses or that I am making excuses for him.  It's hard to know how little grace is shown to him knowing all he's been through.  He has confided in me things he won't even confide in his therapist.  I'm honored that he trusts me, I wish he could trust others in the same way.

I've told him once, and I'm not sure what he thought of it, that I feel the things he's gone through and is going through more than he realizes.  I feel like I've all but walked in his shoes.  The past five years I have tried to understand him, tried to be there for him, listened without judgement.  I wake up with him when he has a nightmare.  I see the anguish in his eyes when he begins to panic or has a flashback.  I can't ever know the full effect, the true pain and fear he feels.  However, I constantly pray that God helps me to understand it.  He might resent me for saying it, but sometimes I feel like I was there with him.  Sometimes I feel like I am suffering with him.  Not on that magnitude, it's a shadow of what he truly goes through, but short of actually having been with him in war I feel I understand him more than even he knows.

My husband is a hard person to get along with at times.  He says things he shouldn't.  He jokes too harshly at times.  At times he could care less about others' feelings.  He's impulsive and regrets his actions.  He comes across as immature at times, which perhaps he is as the military certainly fosters frat boy behaviour.  But he is  a responsible, hard working, caring person.  If he wasn't a caring person he wouldn't have PTSD.  Not to say those who don't have PTSD and suffered the same experiences he did aren't caring, who knows why not everyone suffers the same way.  Yes, my husband is impulsive.  Yes, he can be rude.  Yes, he's done things he regrets now.  Yes, he withdrawals suddenly and looks pissed off at the world.  Yes, he acts depressed and isn't fun to be around at times.  I just wish others would stop pointing out the qualities that make it so hard to be around someone with PTSD and realize what that person went through to inherit such a disorder.  Grace.  It's all I'm asking.  It hurts me when my husband pushes me away.  But I understand and I try to help him through it.  I'm not a doormat.  Don't worry about me.  I am not afraid to make him angry with me to make him upset with me by telling him what he is doing is unacceptable.  I've told him that plain and simple that I am devoted to him as his wife, but I love him too much to allow him to do something he will always regret.  I refuse to allow him to get to the point where his children resent him, where I resent him, where he resents himself.  I love him too much for that.  If that means I have to leave, then that's what I'll have to do.  I know he loves his family enough to do whatever it takes to become better so I don't know if it'll ever have to come to that.  Sometimes he just needs a clear understanding of where he is because he doesn't want to admit it to himself or to me.  I pray everyday for grace and understanding and patience.