The Next Chapter

Thanksgiving weekend was a long one with Husband.  Even though I was deeply wounded I decided not to harbor bitterness toward him.  I decided to make the best of the weekend for the sake of the children.  Thursday went well enough.  He spent most the day with my brother and I spent most the day with my sister-in-law.  We had a great Thanksgiving.  We went out for Black Friday shopping together.  The only way we really could afford to get the things we wanted for our kids and nephews.  Unlike years prior, we didn't have to beat the mad rush of crazed Walmart shoppers.  We started with ToysRus, so instead of the adrenaline pumping action we braved 2 hours of bone chilling weather as we stood outside in line to get in.    He didn't bring a jacket so he left to the VA to get it.  He tried to get me to go back to the car to warm up but I was being stubborn.  I don't know exactly why I refused.  I think I just didn't want to take an act of kindness from him.  Maybe I wanted him to see me physically suffering like I was suffering emotionally.  I was completely soaked through in the freezing rain.  He began to block the wind for me using himself as a barrier to protect me.  He's so good at that...always protecting me physically, always defending me from other people's attacks.  In short, we had a great time that night.  We left at 9:30pm and got home around 6am.  We laughed, we shopped, we were great friends.  

I began to think that perhaps if we just become friends that we could still salvage this marriage.  Not in the conventional sense of marriage...but perhaps just be friends who raise their kids together.  It certainly would be a lot better for the kids than not having their daddy around.  If we could take the pressures of love and a marital relationship out of the picture we'd be great friends.   I saw a slight glimmer of hope.  Because if we could become good friends, then perhaps we could fall in love once more.  

Saturday afternoon was the first time he tried to kiss me after Wednesday night's incident.  And I say incident even though we never even fought.  I said no word about what didn't happen or how I felt.  I'm sure he knew I was upset with him, but then who knows really.  He certainly was treating me with kids gloves.  When I refused to kiss him he asked what was going on.  I simply said, "You didn't do your homework."  He insisted he did.  I pointed out that it does not really count when he does it after I fall asleep.  He said he felt trapped after I asked him about it.  I certainly don't understand how he would feel that way, but he's entitled to feel that way.  Even so, it's not a good enough excuse for me.  I'm not obliged to wait for him to feel ready when I am bone tired and can barely keep my eyes open.  He asked if I was saying that he missed his chance.  I said I was saying how can I commit to six months of marital counseling when he couldn't do the homework from a therapist he trusts?  How could I open myself up for hurt yet again not knowing if he'd even try to make it work.  He said that he better get to see his kids every day and at least be able to talk to me.  And he ran out of the room.  I cried.  I felt that he was saying that he was done as well and it meant that he didn't truly love me like I feared.  However the last bit stood out to me like a beacon in the night, "I want to at least be able to talk to you."  He said it with so much pain in his eyes.  Does he really love me?  Is he pushing me away because he's afraid of hurting me again?  He came back in the room.  I said, "I just want to know that you will put everything you have into making this marriage work."  He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "When is the last time I've been so open with you?  I'll put everything into this."  I simply said "ok".  He said he didn't want to keep hurting me and wasn't going to ask me to stay so that he could.  And that he wouldn't keep me in a marriage I didn't want to be in.  I said that all I wanted was to know he was doing his best.  

The rest of the night went well, we fell asleep holding each other.  Sunday went well, after church we cuddled on the couch once we put the kids to bed.  He left early so he could get his homework done for his therapist.  It was hard for the kids and I to have him for so long and see him leave again.  Our youngest wakes up every morning calling for his daddy.  He looks for Daddy wherever we go.  He doesn't understand.  They've done so well these past eight weeks.  Now they desperately need him home.  I need him home.  Husband's therapist contacted a marital counselor at the VA and our first appointment is in two weeks.  I'm doing everything I possibly can to set us up for success.  If this marriage fails no one will be able to say it was my fault or that I could have done more.  My next post will list some of the things I'm doing to help my husband succeed in every way possible.  But for now I have to work on those things.  I am hopeful.  I still believe in my husband, whether he believes in himself or not.