Completely Open

I am going to be completely open on this post.  This is because I need to be.  I need an outlet for my emotions and frustrations.  Husband comes home next Friday, I mean for good.  He's out of the program.  And while his therapist is optimistic and sees significant progress, I don't.  I mean, yes he is using his coping skills more.  And yes, he is learning to control his anger in certain situations.  And yes, he is learning to become more independent.  His treatment of me as his wife has only gotten worse.  He is less respectful of me.  He is less kind to me.  He bullies me more and more.  I am not the type to take bullying so it ends up in a huge explosive fight.  I am becoming someone I do not like.  If you ask any of my friends they'd say I was one of the kindest and sweetest people.  I don't say that to boast.  I say it because I hate to know that I have hurt someone, even if it was not my intention.  It makes me lose sleep.  Some nights I lie awake thinking about how I hurt someone 10 years ago unintentionally.

We had a 2 hour session with his therapist yesterday.  We had gotten into an argument on the way.  We also had a huge fight a couple days before that wasn't really resolved.  I didn't want to go.  I wanted to be done.  But I went.  I wanted to do whatever I could to make it work.  So I went.  I became on the verge of tears while in there and the therapist asked why the tears.  I broke down and said because I wanted to be done--completely done.  She said she didn't believe me and thought I was just upset and angry.  I think by the end of the session she believed me.  I hoped my husband did.  I told her I was done with the bullying and the disrespect.  I could handle everything else.  I could understand everything else.  But his treatment of me was crossing the line.  He doesn't treat anyone else like that, why does he treat me like that?  And yes, I know, he treats me like that because he feels I'm safe...that I won't leave him.  What he doesn't get is that I will leave him.  Or maybe he does get it.  Maybe he is trying to get me to leave him so he can say "See!  The world is against me!"  Or maybe his biggest fear is that I'll leave him and he's self defeating.  I don't know.  What I do know is that I can't even say for sure if he loves me or if he just thinks he really needs me.  I used to be able to say without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me with all his heart.  But I also never thought he'd treat me the way he is now.

He has always been mean to me at times.  However it's usually been more passive aggressive.  Now he's just aggressive and overtly mean.  Don't get me wrong, I have my faults too.  I know I do.  I saw a therapist for nearly a year with a big ol' spotlight right on my every weakness and issue and fault.  I work hard on overcoming those issues.  I understand what my husband is going through with his PTSD and TBI.  I understand it makes it hard for him to respond to me or to keep from an angry outburst.  I overlook the murderous glares even though they hurt me, I try to remember it's not him, it's not how he really feels.  However, he never tries to understand that I am a single mother with children who always seem to be getting sick.  I have responsibilities and jobs to do outside the house.  I am physically exhausted and mentally scattered all day every day because of some kind of health issue the dr's have yet to determine.  I try hard to keep the house organized and clean.  I try hard to get places on time with him.  And just like there are things I do to help him succeed despite his weaknesses, there are things he can do to help me succeed.  Such as help me get the kids ready, help me keep track of the time instead of waiting for me to fail so he can be angry with me, help me clean the house, even just pick up his socks.  But I get no grace from him.  My issues are my issues and his issues are my issues.  And yet, even that I can try to overlook.  Even that I know we could fix and get past with counseling.

So I agreed to commit to 6 months of marital counseling.  She asked me to think about it and tell her on Monday.  But I had decided that I would.  If he was willing, if he wanted to make things work, then of course I would.  She gave him a "prescription" homework I guess.  It was to do something intimate for me but we could not have sex.  Give me a massage or draw me a bath, just something.  He said he was glad to do so and of course I'm all for that.  To be honest, my sex drive has plummeted because of the health issues I'm dealing with.  He said I keep dates of when we last had sex.  Which isn't true.  It's hard to forget when you last had sex when you have it infrequently.  And even then I have a hard time remembering exactly when because my concept of time is a bit skewed--meaning I really have very little concept of passing time, maybe it's part of the ADHD

I understand this is sounding like a rant.   And you're right, it is.  I'm venting.  I need to or I'll explode into a mess of emotions and today I cannot afford to.  It's Thanksgiving.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I thank God for my husband.  I thank God for my children.  I thank God for blessing me financially and physically even if we struggle and even if I don't feel myself.  But you know what?  I still can pay the bills.  I still can feed my children.  I can still clothe them and put shoes on their feet.  I can still afford to get them gifts for Christmas.  This is much more than 90% of the world.  And even though my marriage is not what it should be, we had great times and good memories and two wonderful children to show for it.  I tried my best.  I did what I could.  But it wasn't enough.  I was never enough.

So this brings be to the whole point of this post because it might very well be my last.  I don't even have any readers, so I'm not afraid of disappointing anyone.  I was just hoping I could help someone out there like me dealing with their spouse's PTSD.  I hope they have better luck than I have.  I mentioned that his therapist prescribed a simple task, homework.  He's never had an issue getting his homework done for her before and she really stretched him and pushed him.  I didn't think this was a stretch.  Simply give me a massage, hold me, something.  He refused to do it.  He left out of there gung ho to help me get the house ready for tomorrow since it was a disaster because the baby and I were completely sick.  But really it was probably an hour, maybe an hour and a half worth of work.  I could have gotten it all done on my own in two hours.  I know, I have.  I asked him to simply pick up the toys off the floor in the toy room.  Would have taken me half an hour to do, I know because I've done it.  Not organize, just dump them into the toy boxes and onto the shelves.  The room would be destroyed again anyway.  I said we could get the rest of the house in the morning.  We went upstairs and I was in bed around 9:30pm.  I even put off prepping the food so that I could get to bed as early as possible trying to set him up for success in this one small task.  I said good night to my friend I had been texting.  And I waited.  He laid in bed watching videos on his phone.  I waited.  He watched.  I waited.  I waited.  I waited.  I struggled with the thought of reminding him or not.  I decided to remind him, to take that excuse off the table...even though it wasn't likely he had forgotten any of his other assignments from his therapist.  I said I was going to bed soon and was he planning on doing his homework.  He said, "later".  I said I was going to bed now.  I fell asleep.  He did not do it.  He refused to do it.  One simple thing from a therapist he respects and trusts.  He did not do it.

I cannot commit six months of therapy with a therapist he doesn't know and doesn't trust when he refused to do what the therapist he does adore and trust asked him to do for me.  He does not want this marriage to work.  As much as he spouts my praises when I'm not there, as much as he says he adores me and can't think of having a better wife than me.  He doesn't truly believe it.  I can never do right.  I can never do enough.  All I hear is grumbles and complains under his breath, to my face, behind my back.  All I get is disrespect and intimidation.  He wants to be a martyr.  He thinks the world is against him.  It should be us against the world, but apparently I am the world to him.  He cannot love and hate me at the same time.  And he does hate me.  I can see it.  The hate seething from the glares, from his words, from his actions.  I cannot be married to a man who hates me.  And so, I have made my choice.  And yet, I still have a "but" in there.  Because I cannot completely give up on him.  I love him.  I have emotionally checked out of this marriage.  I have to.  I cannot survive anymore hurt without continuing to change into the person I hate to be.  But if...If he can truly prove to me I am his highest priority second only to God...only then will I check back in.  And even then so very very cautiously.  I hate that I am even leaving the door open.  I feel like a weak woman.  One of those women you think, "why is she being so stupid always going back to him?"  Well, it's because I love him.  I see his potential.  It's what made me fall so deeply in love with him...his potential.  The man he is destined to be is locked away in there behind his fears of letting go and letting God take control of his life.  I saw it the very day I met him.  I saw it as if it were stamped on his head "destined for greatness".  I wanted to be the one to help him unlock it.  To be the one at his side as together we changed the world doing God's work.  I still believe in him.  I still believe he can do such great and wonderful things.  Just like the wife who says "I always knew he'd become President" or the wife of Billy Graham who could say "I always knew he'd do such great things for God."  Not in some grandiose scheme to become rich and famous.  I could do that on my own if I truly wanted.  But because I truly believed in my husband.

And yet I can't help him.  I can't do anything for him.  He's pushed me away.  He's checked out.  More than checked out.  He's sabotaging our marriage and I no longer have the means to fight back...the will to fight back.  I cannot go on.  There are days when I struggle with the urge to hate him, to truly hate him.  I have never ever felt hate toward anyone even though I have had every right to hate certain people in my life.  And yet I struggle with it with the man I love so much.  The one that should be there for me through thick and thin.  I never ever thought I was capable of hating at all.  Hate is so unnatural for me.  And yet it surges in my heart, blackens the world around me, prods me to lash out on my children.  I hate the person I am becoming.  I refuse to be that person anymore.  I don't even know how he can prove to me that I now come first in his life.  I don't even know if it's possible.  But I can't wait for it to happen.