War has torn families apart for generations of veterans. Many combat veterans come back from war and shut down or push their families away, or worse. The families of these combat veterans understand what it is to live with PTSD, even if they don't realize that's what it is. Sadly, the friends and family of these military families just don't seem to understand what is going on and they leave the picture as well. Spouses are unaware of what is making their combat veterans dramatically different, and many leave. Some are aware and decide they cannot deal with it and they leave. Some want desperately to help their spouse but their veteran just will not accept help. So they leave or stay in an abusive or otherwise unhealthy marriage as their veteran's condition continues to worsen. Others seem to understand their spouse and do everything in their power to make things work, in a healthy way. Their lives are not easy ones. No one understands their decisions. No one understands their spouse. Very few people truly understand PTSD and how it affects those suffering from it. The second half of this post is dedicated to helping explain how PTSD affects combat veterans. Perhaps someone suffering from PTSD will stumble upon this and forward it to their family and close friends. Or maybe a family member will find this and begin to understand their combat veteran just that much more. But the true reason of this post is that as desperately as I want my own family and friends to understand, I know there are spouses out there who want it as bad as I do. Perhaps my own loved ones will never understand, but I hope yours will.
Unfortunately, some symptoms are harder to pin down as PTSD. Some are harder to accept than others because we wonder how they even have to do with PTSD. We might be tempted to say it's an excuse or question the validity. However, PTSD affects every area of one's life. In minor cases the symptoms are easily handled and hidden. Other cases are more severe and are more visible to those around them. Impulsiveness, illogical speech or ideas, seemingly immature behavior are all symptoms of PTSD that are hard for those around you to understand. Husband is going through intensive therapy. He has to relive everything he goes over and over again. He has to face his fears and participate in every triggering activity that he's been avoiding. To others it might seem like there is no progress or it is simply making things worse. However, it has to get worse before it can get better. He's become more impulsive, more distant, he seems as if he's "checked out" of our marriage. Sadly, even the children are beginning to notice that even when Daddy's home he's not always here. He throws himself into projects as soon as he's home, limiting quality time with us. It hurts. It's hard to accept. I want to throw him out of the house and tell him not to come back until he is more vested into this family. But I can't. I should show him love when instead I give him the cold shoulder. I should be more supportive, but I fail too. It's hard to not take it personally. It's hard to ignore the immaturity and impulsive behavior. It's hard to not worry about how others are perceiving his recent behavior and "FTW" attitude, and his increased avoidance of church which really boils down to distancing himself from God.
I am learning to put my hope in God. To trust Him to do it all. I cannot help my husband. I cannot force him to trust me. But I can trust God to do the work. I can trust Him to heal Husband's heart and mind and his relationships. I love my husband so much. And yes, I am deeply hurting. I believe I am a strong woman. I know people perceive I am stronger than I feel. However, right now, all I want to do is cry. I want someone in my corner who I can lean on and simply bawl my eyes out. Someone who understands the pain I feel--my own pain and my husband's. Fortunately, I have God. And I know He understands better than anyone ever could.
Explaining PTSD
Mary's Gorilla Theory -- a fun yet profound allegory
Being diagnosed with PTSD is a bit like getting home to find there's a gorilla in your house. You contact the approved authorities, but they tell you, what you have here is a gorilla and there's not much we can do about that.
The gorilla in your house will cause problems in every part of your life. Your spouse may decide he/she can't deal with the gorilla and leave. Your boss may get upset that you've brought your gorilla to work with you and it's disrupting your work mates who don't know how to deal with gorillas. you're arriving for work wearing a suit the gorilla has slept on. Some days you don't turn up at all because the gorilla has barricaded you in the bathroom or sit on you so you can't get out of bed. Your friends will get cheesed off because they don't want to come to your house for fear of the gorilla, and the gorilla won't always let you out - your only topic of conversation is this darned gorilla and the devastation it's causing.
There are three major approaches to the gorilla in your house.
One is to ignore it and hope it will go away. This is unlikely to work. A 300 pound gorilla will sleep where he likes, and if that's on top of you, it WILL have an effect on you.
Another is to try and force the gorilla out, wrestling with it constantly, spending all your time fighting it. This often is a losing battle. Some choose to give all their money to to people who will come and wave crystals at the gorilla, from a safe distance of course. This doesn't work either.
I have known people spend the best years of their lives and tens of thousands of pounds/dollars trying to force the gorilla to go away. The gorilla might go for a while but will wander back into their house.
The third way to deal with the gorilla in your house is to accept it, tame it and make it part of your life. Figure out a way to calm your gorilla down. Teach it how to sit still until you are able to take it places with you without it making a scene. Negotiate with your boss about ways to accommodate, or even make use of your gorilla. Meet other people who live with gorillas and enjoy having something in common, and share gorilla taming tips.
People get really upset and suggest you enjoy having a gorilla around because of the attention it gets you (while ignoring the massive pile of steaming gorilla turds in your bedroom every day and night). The best way to deal with these people is to smile and remind yourself that one day they too could have a gorilla in their house.
The gorilla in your house will cause problems in every part of your life. Your spouse may decide he/she can't deal with the gorilla and leave. Your boss may get upset that you've brought your gorilla to work with you and it's disrupting your work mates who don't know how to deal with gorillas. you're arriving for work wearing a suit the gorilla has slept on. Some days you don't turn up at all because the gorilla has barricaded you in the bathroom or sit on you so you can't get out of bed. Your friends will get cheesed off because they don't want to come to your house for fear of the gorilla, and the gorilla won't always let you out - your only topic of conversation is this darned gorilla and the devastation it's causing.
There are three major approaches to the gorilla in your house.
One is to ignore it and hope it will go away. This is unlikely to work. A 300 pound gorilla will sleep where he likes, and if that's on top of you, it WILL have an effect on you.
Another is to try and force the gorilla out, wrestling with it constantly, spending all your time fighting it. This often is a losing battle. Some choose to give all their money to to people who will come and wave crystals at the gorilla, from a safe distance of course. This doesn't work either.
I have known people spend the best years of their lives and tens of thousands of pounds/dollars trying to force the gorilla to go away. The gorilla might go for a while but will wander back into their house.
The third way to deal with the gorilla in your house is to accept it, tame it and make it part of your life. Figure out a way to calm your gorilla down. Teach it how to sit still until you are able to take it places with you without it making a scene. Negotiate with your boss about ways to accommodate, or even make use of your gorilla. Meet other people who live with gorillas and enjoy having something in common, and share gorilla taming tips.
People get really upset and suggest you enjoy having a gorilla around because of the attention it gets you (while ignoring the massive pile of steaming gorilla turds in your bedroom every day and night). The best way to deal with these people is to smile and remind yourself that one day they too could have a gorilla in their house.
How Does PTSD Develop?
All people with PTSD have lived through a traumatic event that caused them to fear for their lives, see horrible things, and feel helpless. Strong emotions caused by the event create changes in the brain that may result in PTSD.
Most people who go through a traumatic event have some symptoms at the beginning. Yet only some will develop PTSD. It isn't clear why some people develop PTSD and others don't. How likely you are to get PTSD depends on many things:
- How intense the trauma was or how long it lasted
- If you lost someone you were close to or were hurt
- How close you were to the event
- How strong your reaction was
- How much you felt in control of events
- How much help and support you got after the event
Many people who develop PTSD get better at some time. But about 1 out of 3 people with PTSD may continue to have some symptoms. Even if you continue to have symptoms, treatment can help you cope. Your symptoms don't have to interfere with your everyday activities, work, and relationships.
Symptoms of PTSD can be terrifying. They may disrupt your life and make it hard to continue with your daily activities. It may be hard just to get through the day.
PTSD symptoms usually start soon after the traumatic event, but they may not happen until months or years later. They also may come and go over many years. If the symptoms last longer than 4 weeks, cause you great distress, or interfere with your work or home life, you probably have PTSD.
There are four types of PTSD symptoms:
- Reliving the event (also called re-experiencing symptoms):
- Hearing a car backfire, which can bring back memories of gunfire and war for a combat Veteran.
- Seeing a car accident, which can remind a crash survivor of his or her own accident.
- Seeing a news report of a sexual assault, which may bring back memories of assault for a woman who was raped.
- Avoiding situations that remind you of the event:
- May avoid watching television shows or movies in which there war themes or violence.
- Military personnel who were attacked in urban areas on foot patrol or convoys might avoid crowded areas or heavy traffic.
- Some people may keep very busy or avoid seeking help. This keeps them from having to think or talk about the event.
- Those very close to combat with casualties or in Aid Stations/hospitals may avoid handling raw meat or blood. The very smell of blood can be a strong trigger.
- Feeling numb:
- You may not have positive or loving feelings toward other people and may stay away from relationships. [This is particularly hard for spouses and children to cope with]
- You may not be interested in activities you used to enjoy.
- You may not be able to remember parts of the traumatic event or not be able to talk about them.
- Feeling keyed up (also called hyperarousal):
- Suddenly become angry or irritable
- Have a hard time sleeping.
- Have trouble concentrating.
- Fear for your safety and always feel on guard.
- Be very startled when something surprises you.
Bad memories of the traumatic event can come back at any time. You may feel the same fear and horror you did when the event took place. You may have nightmares. You even may feel like you're going through the event again. This is called a flashback. Sometimes there is a trigger -- a sound or sight that causes you to relive the event. Triggers might include:
You may try to avoid situations or people that trigger memories of the traumatic event. You may even avoid talking or thinking about the event. For example: [examples modified to fit combat ptsd]
You may find it hard to express your feelings. This is another way to avoid memories.
You may be jittery, or always alert and on the lookout for danger. This is known as hyperarousal. It can cause you to:
What are other common problems?
People with PTSD may also have other problems. These include:
- Drinking or drug problems.
- Feelings of hopelessness, shame, or despair.
- Employment problems.
- Relationships problems including divorce and violence.
- Physical symptoms.
MYTH: People should be able to move on with their lives after a traumatic event. Those who can't cope are weak.
FACT: Many people who experience an extremely traumatic event go through an adjustment period following the exposure. Most of these people are able to return to leading a normal life. However, the stress caused by trauma can affect all aspects of a person's life including mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Research suggests that prolonged trauma may disrupt and alter brain chemistry. For some people, a traumatic event changes their views about themselves and the world around them. This may lead to the development of PTSD.
FACT: Many people who experience an extremely traumatic event go through an adjustment period following the exposure. Most of these people are able to return to leading a normal life. However, the stress caused by trauma can affect all aspects of a person's life including mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Research suggests that prolonged trauma may disrupt and alter brain chemistry. For some people, a traumatic event changes their views about themselves and the world around them. This may lead to the development of PTSD.
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