It's A Hard Enough Road

I know I've touched on this before in probably every post I've blogged so far.  However, it is probably the most difficult thing, or one of the most difficult things, I have to deal with.  I can't offer advice on how to change it because I don't know myself.  I just got off the phone with a family member and I cried and cried during the call and after the call.  Perhaps it's simply the dynamics between us that causes such anger to flair and feelings trampled upon.  All I want, all I desperately need is support from my family.  I need them to know that I know what I'm doing.  I need them to know that my husband is doing his best to get better.  That I do trust him and I am within every right to do so.  I understand that some allow their symptoms to get so out of control that they would hurt those around them, I also know that this is something those closest to someone with PTSD should be aware of and look for signs of.  However, if I was blind to this knowledge I would not have insisted my husband get help now before it even has a chance to get to that point. 

All I hope and pray for is that my family be understanding, forgiving, and supportive.  I'm sorry my husband hurt your feelings.  I'm sorry I am hurting your feelings for standing up for him.  However, it is detrimental to the health of our marriage that we stick together.  All I can do is apologize to you for what he's done.  All I can hope for is that you understand what he's going through and show some grace.  What more can I do?  I will not allow anyone to criticize my husband.  I will not allow anyone to become a wedge between us.  One day I hope you understand all this. 

If your spouse is suffering from PTSD perhaps you understand what I'm going through.  I am not, by any means, saying that you should turn a deaf ear to the concerns of your family.  You should consider them, like I do.  Because sometimes we are blind to the things that are happening because we don't want to admit what is going on.  I do listen to my family.  I do hear their advice.  But I am not blind to what is happening.  I see everything.  I'm not happy with everything that is going on with my husband.  I'm not happy he rolls his eyes in frustration at my mom, or snaps at my sister.  But I do know that he loves them so much, he loves my entire family and is incredibly grateful for all they've done for us. 

I'm not entirely sure how to handle this.  All I can do is pray for wisdom and patience.  I know part of it is my inability to brush it off.  Quite frankly, it hurts to have my ability to care for my children questioned.  It hurts to have my husband's trustworthiness questioned.  That is how it should be.  My father did not have PTSD yet we grew up feeling like we had to walk on egg shells around him to keep him from blowing up.  I will not allow that to happen to my children.  I love my father and he did the best he could, much better than what he was taught.  He was a good father and provided for us.  My husband is a good father, the best.  He knows when he is reaching his frustration limit and walks away before he blows up and yells at  the kids.  He rarely yells at me when we're arguing, though I cannot say the same about myself (which is something that really should not be done when arguing with someone with PTSD). 

All I need from anyone is more support and less criticism.  I encourage anyone in the same situation to explain to the unsupported friend or family how you feel and that you appreciate their advice and opinion but to respect yours as well.  But if they don't know that they are hurting you, how will they know to stop?  Don't assume they know how their words make you feel, they might think that they are protecting you as in my case, however they do need to know that their words are cutting deep.  Keep a listening ear open, but don't allow them to tear down your spouse either. There is a difference between blindly sticking up for your spouse and standing up for them.  It might be a fine line, but it's an important one to distinguish.  Even a simple "I understand what you are saying, and I know you care about me.  However, he is my husband (she is my wife) and I would appreciate it if you didn't talk about him/her in that way.  There is constructive criticism then there is bashing.  I feel you are bashing my spouse."  I hope you have better luck at it than I have so far.

Because it's a hard enough road we are taking without adding unsupportive and critical family and friends to the mixture.